Take it from Snee: Third Amendment’s the charm

If you’ve interacted with an American over the past two weeks, you may have noticed that things are a little tense. Some people who want more gun control. Others want all the guns they can stick down their pants. And still others believe the government shot children to further the cause of the Illuminati (because shadowy groups that control everything need excuses to grab power).

The point is that, when it comes to the Bill of Rights, the Second Amendment is on fire right now. Just for clarification, I mean figuratively “on fire,” because the First Amendment doesn’t guarantee my right to say anything is literally on fire.

And, that’s well and good for the Second Amendment. But you know who doesn’t get enough love? Proud supporters — like myself — of the Third Amendment. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Third Amendment’s the charm

Ocean water, you nasty

Enjoy that swim in Acapulco. Just don’t be surprised if you come back pregnant with Doomsday.

Did you know that barnacles, also known as boat herpes, have the longest penis relative to size in the animal kingdom? All the better to shotgun blast sperm willy-nilly into the ocean with.

The Pacific gooseneck barnacle have joined the list of confirmed spermcasters. Along with sponges, jellyfish and sea anemones, the males of these species just let loose with the baby juice, letting the current carry it wherever it may.

By our estimates, this makes the composition of the ocean about 10 percent mercury, 20 whale poop, 20 percent water and 50 percent free-floating semen. (There are a lot of barnacles out there is what we’re saying.)

Next time, let the men stay home and watch football

The birth of a child is a wonderful thing — a wonderful, yet messy, thing. And to celebrate the anticipated live birth, expectant parents often throw themselves baby showers, because that stuff’s not cheap, and their friends will never see them again.

Naturally, when there is gift giving and hopes for the future of a new human life, the atmosphere can get a little tense, that’s why it’s no surprise that a fight broke out at a baby shower in Massachusetts. Police say as many as 200 people (!) were involved in a fight that ended with four arrests, with charges including assault and battery on a police officer.

Welcome to the family, little one!