You Missed It: Tour de Falsehoods edition

"You see, Oprah, Manti Te'o lied to get ahead in his athletic career. What a shameful thing to do."
“You see, Oprah, Manti Te’o lied to get ahead in his athletic career. What a shameful thing to do.”

As I understand it, the rest of the country is experiencing winter. Heck, even in Alabama they’re getting snow. That’s not the case in D.C. The only think we’re getting here are tourists getting a feel for the city ahead of the inauguration on Monday. And like the political party national conventions last year, it’s also a great for the stripper/ escort services. Some want to get the inaugural balls off early. If you were busy putting out fires on your plane this week, odds are you missed it.

Spinning quite the yarn
Recently, Lance Armstrong sat down the Oprah to answer over 100 questions about his doping and winning seven Tour de Frances (Tours de France?) in an interview that aired Thursday on some channel she owns. Armstrong admitted to doping for years, including all those Frenchie wins. He explained how sorry he was for–wait–a Notre Dame football player had a fake girlfriend? Let’s watch that.

Say goodbye to chafing
Denim jeans were invented back in the 1800s for miners, cowboys and other tough Western folk who needed pants that wouldn’t rip in the middle of their job. Also, cowboys in khakis were notoriously mocked when they walked into a saloon. Since the arrival of jeans, they have been mercilessly dehydrating the legs of mankind. Finally, we have a solution. A European company called Denim Spa now offers jeans that hydrate your skin. The pants come with apricot kernel oil, passion fruit oil, rosehip oil, shea butter and monoi de Tahiti woven into the fabric. Take that, people of Darfur!

Creepy just got easier
Facebook debuted a new feature it’s still testing called “Graph Search.” Mark Zuckerberg said it’s one of the coolest things they have done in a while. It will be able to search all things Facebook to answer your more complicated queries. So, rather than having Google search for “underage girls,” you can hop on Facebook and search for “slutty looking girls who turn 18 in less than a year.”

Fecal transplants: taste good and good for you

There's not a single-celled organism alive that's gonna swim in that pool now.
There’s not a single-celled organism alive that’s gonna swim in that pool now.

Ever since doctors discovered a way to convince patients to let them stick another patient’s poo in them, they’ve noticed a lot of health benefits, too. A new study shows that fecal transplants clear up bacterial infections more effectively than antibiotics. For one infection, Clostridium difficile, “the transplant had a 94% cure rate, three times greater than for those who took only the antibiotic vancomycin.”

Scientists believe the treatment could one day treat obesity and food allergies, because once you eat a turd, man, that’s rock bottom.

Our biggest ally yet

There’s no simple way to put this: one of the biggest companies in the U.S. is on our side. The only thing is that they don’t want to admit it, so they seem acceptable to the liberal species traitors.

In Botswana, where they thought no one would be looking, Google recorded themselves hitting a donkey with their Street Maps vehicle. But they are playing it off like the donkey is sleeping. To be fair, there were some mistakes made on Google’s part.

The first error was going to map Botswana, the second¬† was affixing some high-tech imaging equipment to a vehicle pretty much anywhere on the whole continent. Of course the drivers were speeding through there, it’s been an open road for decades, and there are probably thieves everywhere. It makes sense that they hit an ass while hauling ass.

Why they covered it up can only be thought upon and forgiven.