Day: January 23, 2013

Take it from Snee: Pro- … nothing?

"Do I? And is that the same thing as making a choice?"
“Do I? And is that the same thing as ‘making a choice?'”

There are many ways to define yourself. You could do it by the decade into which you were born. Or which party you usually vote for. Or whether you prefer Coke or Pepsi. Or, as this past election proved, how you feel about abortion or women in general.

Before 1973, you might have been anti- or pro-abortion or, conversely, anti- or pro-forcing all pregnant women to deliver to term. Since Roe v. Wade, however, you’re generally either pro-life or pro-choice.

But, now that Planned Parenthood has experienced some of their toughest years for defending their funding, they’re getting rid of the pro-choice label to fight for … well, abortion … but, well, sometimes … Oh, hell. Let them just explain it with their video like we’re in health class all over again: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pro- … nothing?

It turns out DVDs are not a strong investment

Lance Armstrong has destroyed America. First, he let down the United States Postal Team, breaking the government. Then, he destroyed fans of competitive cycling all over the nation, both of them, by breaking the good name of the sport by taking drugs. Then he destroyed the hearts of kids around the nation by showing them that truly there are no heroes (except us).

And now? Now he’s managed to destroy the DVD industry of England. Or at least the DVD selling industry of one guy in England.

Thanks a lot, Obama.

Kiwis mull cat internment

Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.
Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.

New Zealanders have long been referred to as Kiwis, the flightless bird that they adopted as their national symbol. But, their infatuation with another animal menace, cats, now threatens their national identity.

Not only is New Zealand the most filmed country in the world by Peter Jackson (which makes it the most filmed in the world because every frame Peter Jackson directs is solid gold), it’s also the highest concentration of cat owners in the world. A full 28 percent of New Zealanders own one cat, while an additional 20 percent own two or more.

Unfortunately, that amount of cats are doing a real number on the native bird species, so much so that it’s got economist Gareth Morgan’s dander up. While Morgan isn’t suggesting that every New Zealander summarily execute his or her feline (yet), it is time to keep them permanently indoors.

It’s either that, or maybe next time New Zealand should pick a national symbol that can fly away from danger.

The biggest club drug today: Preparation H

It’s well documented that The Guys are huge on the club scene. But unlike the poseurs inside, we know that it’s all about looking good while you’re waiting outside. If you bring a flask, it’s even better than bottle service, and you don’t have to worry about spilling your drink while you bust a move.

But kids these days will do anything to look good inside the club, and apparently they’ve moved on from roofies and ecstasy. Now they’re into doing Preparation H, especially the dudes. The reasoning is that the cream gets rid of water weight or fat and makes to look slimmer and more ripped.

The only problem is, it actually makes your chest smaller, because the cream constricts blood vessels where applied to shrivel stuff up, like those muscles you want to showcase. And it can also raise your blood pressure!