You Missed It: Pre-recorded edition

Obama talked about the need for renewable energy, equal pay for women, gun control, supporting democracy around the world and reforming the tax code.
Obama talked about the need for renewable energy, equal pay for women, gun control, supporting democracy around the world and reforming the tax code.

For a lot of the East Coast, it’s snowing. Like, right now. Everyone gets excited when it snows, whether or not it’s warranted. I bet snow has some sort of complex, like the most popular guy in high school. Just showing up is a cause for celebration. People wear hail because it can really hurt, so it would be the big dumb kid, and sleet would be the smaller, mouthier friend, because it doesn’t do much at all. Rain, well, rain would have to be quiet, weird kid. No one gets excited about it, most try to avoid it, and yet it’s perfect for writing depressing poetry. If you were busy raging against U.N. sanctions on your country this week, odds are you missed it.

This inauguration was dubbed over
This week, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched.

25 years after ‘G.I. Jane’
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta surprised the country when he announced that the military will now let service women have combat roles. They’ve been in supporting roles, but not part of outright fighting mission. For those keeping score at home, the Obama administration is now taking guns out of our hands and putting them into womens’.

Simply the Swiss
Tina Turner announced this week that she is renouncing her U.S. citizenship to become a full-time Swiss person (Swissian?). One Swiss paper has even reported that the government there has already approved her request. This is clearly another case of the world messing with Switzerland because everyone knows they won’t declare war.

White House ‘no-fly zone’ reinforced

"You've heard of Seal Team Six? This is Seal Hand Five."
“You’ve heard of SEAL Team Six? This is SEAL Hand Five.”

Some may question President Barack Obama’s resolve to take action on unemployment, end detainment at Guantanamo Bay or reform U.S. immigration policy. But there’s one policy he’s remained consistent on for both terms: there’s only one person allowed to be fly in the White House. (She’s the one rockin’ bangs.)

A fly attempted to derail the president’s nominations to head the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau before even Republicans in the House and Senate got a chance to deny them. Obama was able to reinforce his no-fly zone with a warning swat.

During a televised interview in 2009, Obama authorized a hand strike on an insurgent fly, the first sitting president to do so against a domestic animal since Teddy Roosevelt slapped a bear for eating his son Quentin’s ice cream.

This should help silence critics who believe that the president is weak on the War on Animals, but it won’t.

106 year battle over name of bad beer over

It’s done. It’s over. Longer than the battle between the greys and the blues, the battle between the alliterators and the consonators, even the fight of the mongoose versus the cobra, the war between Anheuser-Busch and Budejovicky Budvar is done. The General Court of the European Union didn’t even bother ruling in favor of Anheuser-Busch, simply dismissing the claim made by Budejovicky Budvar. It’s an easy victory for AB InBev, but even better, it’s a very cheap victory.

Once again, hey Anheuser, why don’tcha think about putting a few sheckles of what would’ve been the legal costs toward a better beer, huh?

Oprah has something on her face

Let’s be honest: Oprah probably hasn’t come in direct contact with a penis in a decade or two. But if you count her new face cream, then technically she has, because it’s made of foreskins.

Oprah Winfrey has endorsed a face cream that is made from human foreskins, and apparently the Canadian (uncut) public demands to know why. That’s why they are picketing her appearances in the country. We’re assuming that this is not yet legal in the U.S.

An informal survey of some of The Guys found that at least one of them is circumcised, so we’re, shall we say, split on this issue.