The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

There’s a gloom in Washington, D.C. these days. There’s a major battle brewing, and it’s already being fought in the Internet sewers. Soon it will come bumbling up. You see, the citizens feel their constitutional rights are being threatened, and President Barack Obama is to blame. It’s no wonder his second term began under such controversy.

The rights I speak of, of course, are our First Amendment rights. You know, the ones where we get to say whatever we want, assemble peacefully, have our own religion, complain to the government and have a free press. Our rights to have a free media, regardless of its intelligence or lack thereof, are being infringed upon, fellow citizens.

That’s right, America, the Obama administration is coming to take your opinions away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions

Direct-to-DVD action movie market to take a critical hit

Fear criminals, you shall not triumph, as the greatest law-abiding celebrity deputy has come back to work. That’s right, Steven Seagal is back on the scene.

Undersheriff Eddie Lerma of Doña Ana County in New Mexico has deputized the actor for training purposes regarding border issues. It would behoove the criminal aspect of the county to:

  1. Find out if there are any blues houses nearby, and if so, destroy.
  2. Quickly locate if any tanks are nearby.

Pa. high school’s new paper currency

Only boys have to sign out toilet paper from the principal of Mahanoy Area High School, once again proving our theory that girls don't poop.
Only boys have to sign out toilet paper from the principal of Mahanoy Area High School, once again proving our scientific theory that girls don’t poop.

Mahanoy Area High School in eastern Pennsylvania has discovered what Joseph Gayetty knew all the way back in 1857: that there is very little difference between money and toilet paper.

After having to continually spend to replenish toilet paper — plus unclog the toilets — due to vandalism, Principal Thomas Smith is now controlling the substance. From now on, before you can make number two, you’ve got to sign out some squares from the school’s number one.

At least one parent, however,  isn’t taking the Great Toilet Paper Requisition of 2013 sitting down: “Parent Karen Yedsena says some students are too embarrassed to go to the office to get toilet paper and are going home sick instead.” This is why the Guys firmly believe that Everyone Poops should be required freshman reading.

[Special thanks for Patrick H. for the link!]

Rabbits have a taste for fuel lines

In Colorado, it may be winter, but the animals keep up their assaults.

Travelers parking at Denver International Airport may want to think about taking a cab instead. The place is reportedly infested with rabbits, even though it’s cold outside, and these varmints are chewing the brake lines and other wiring in cars. It goes without saying that at the very least, this does thousands of dollars worth of damage. At worst, it can end up killing someone.

Sounds like it’s time to lengthen rabbit season — and duck season, while we’re at it.