Day: January 29, 2013

Be on the lookout for the sight of ice thawing, scent of chicken thawing

It ain’t easy being a criminal out there these days. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, or at least, a man-eat-chicken wing world, but with chicken wing prices rising (I know, I shed tear for that news too), soon we’ll have content ourselves by eating just the chicken feet (which are surprisingly tasty, unless you’re my mom and we’re in Chinatown).

Atlanta, Georgia, saw its own horror rise up, as two men stole 65 thousand dollars worth of Tyson chicken wings right from a cold storage facility. The pair were captured, but the location of the wings remains unknown. Also unknown is why they took the snack food. Were they throwing a party? Opening a restaurant? Trying to create an artificial shortage of chicken wings in the Atlanta area? The world may never know.

The Guys couldn’t possibly imagine what 65 thousand dollars worth of chicken wings looks like. Heaven? Hell? Death? Probably yes to all three.

German army keeps abreast on new diversionary tactics

Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.
Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.

As the U.S. begins to lift the ban on women in small combat units, Germany has proposed another solution: man-made Amazons. One battalion, the Wachbattalion, has suddenly had more boys asking it to dance now that all the men are growing left breasts. Not pecs, mind you: full-on titties.

Doctors believe it comes from repeatedly smacking their rifles against the left side of their chest during precision drilling. Pounding on that same spot has caused a condition called gynecomastia, in which the male body is stimulated into producing the hormones that grow moobs. Over 70 percent of the battalion has been affected, while the other 30 percent have written letters to god in their diaries, wondering when it will be their turn to blossom.

But, don’t worry: the German military takes this very seriously:

Military officials have promised to keep an eye on the men’s breasts. ‘The affected soldiers are being medically supervised and treated individually,’ an army spokesman told the Herald.

Who wants to bet it involves a lot of massages and shirts-vs-skins basketball?

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link! That’s two in two days.]

Dare to dream, British scientists

The British Empire was once a feared entity, but for the last 60 years, it’s sort of relinquished its title of world power, unless we’re talking about James Bond movies. But English scientists, the latest in a line that includes Sir Isaac Newton, are determined to bring their country back to notoriety.

That’s why U.K. Science Ministry is giving a grant to researchers to continue their work on a chocolate biscuit (cookie) that won’t melt. That is how much the Brits love their tea. They don’t care about curing cancer or frivolous things like that. No, they want to come up with a better chocolate cookie that won’t get all melty on their fingers during tea time.

Chocolate fingers are most uncouth.