You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

It’s the classic battle of fish versus boat

You’ve heard it before: man gets boat, boat goes to sea, boat catches fish. Usually the next part is boat beats fish, followed by man eats fish. Not this time. Sadly, no.

A fisherman off Panama managed to hook a large marlin, and as per the usual routine, began to back down. Unfortunately, the captain of the boat slipped and fell, resulting in the hooked marlin taking control of the boat. From the sea. The boat took on way more water than was necessary (the correct amount is any) and was sunk. Luckily, there are some positives to be taken from this:

  • The marlin couldn’t have survived, as it was attached to a sinking boat. So there’s that.

Grandpa’s never been so happy

If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.

One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.

Go veggie, but keep killing animals

When thinking about dead puppies doesn't work, you might be tempted to try anything -- even going vegetarian -- to get your manhood back.
When thinking about dead puppies doesn’t work, you might be tempted to try anything — even going vegetarian — to get your manhood back.

If you’ve experienced erectile dysfunction lately, then you may be considering going vegetarian. Not because you’re less of a man, so you might as well give up bacon, but because E.D. could indicate the onset of heart disease, and vegetarians are a third less likely to die from it than proud animal devourers.

The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.

So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)