Day: February 11, 2013

The McBournie Minute: Candidates for the next pope

Take this job and shove it. Pope Benedict XVI didn’t exactly quote Johnny Paycheck, but that’s the gist of it. The pope is resigning from his job, one that you typically only leave when they carry you out in a casket. But, citing ill health, the soon-to-be former Pope Benedict announced he was stepping down, which is apparently something you can do. It’s like being on the U.S. Supreme Court, only with fewer pro-lifers protesting outside your building.

The world hasn’t seen the resignation of a pope since Gregory XII in 1415, but that was under completely different circumstances. At that time, there were three different claimants to the papal hat, and three different sets of cardinals that elected them. Gregory’s resignation helped to end the Western Schism, which is likely also the name of a band that opened for Radiohead. This time, the pope, 85, just wants to live out the rest of his days without all the robes.

Benedict’s resignation means that we will have a new pope by Easter. Who will be the next pope? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Candidates for the next pope

Ditch the wheel: scientific secret for slimmer, sexier mice

After a canker sore medicine caused this mouse to lose weight without dieting or exercise, LSU lab assistants can't resist touching his new six-pack.
After a canker sore medicine caused this mouse to lose weight without dieting or exercise, LSU lab assistants can’t resist touching his new six-pack.

You know, we keep hearing about all these great things science was supposed to do for us, but it sure seems like it’s fallen short in recent years. Personal jetpacks, flying cars and exterminating everyone over 30 are all now 13 years overdue. Basically, thanks for the microwave ovens, scientists, but what have you done for us lately?

Well, science delivered, and it delivered big. Get ready for slimmer, sexier mice, because doctors at Louisiana State University have found the secret to exercise- and diet-free weight loss.

LSU researchers injected mice that they had fattened up with amlexanox, a drug normally used to treat canker sores in humans. The mice lost the weight through increased metabolism, not by moving around more or eating less. Once off the drug, the mice gained the weight back, but it was too late for their young, sexy new spouses to dump them.

The next step is to test this treatment on obese humans, who look forward to getting that wheel out of their living rooms.

It’s the gift that eventually stops giving

Hey, married people!

  • Do you live in or near Southfield, Michigan (and only in Michigan)?
  • Do you believe in the Chris Brown philosophy of relationships?
  • Do you and your spouse hate each other with the fury of a thousand suns?
  • Do you think dating someone else would be preferable to the situation you’re in now?
  • Do you want to save some money?
  • Are you really good with the written word?

Then you need to contact the Law Offices of Walter H. Bentley III, PLLC now. One lucky couple will be given a divorce, no fees required. Act fast!

Hasn’t hockey suffered enough?

Hockey has had a rough year, thanks to the NHL lockout, but it’s proved a boost for the minor league teams, and unfortunately, the animals know this. That’s why they chose to cause mayhem at a recent Bakersfield Condors game in California.

At some point, a real condor convinced its handler that it would be a good idea to bring it out on the ice during the national anthem. The condor escaped from its handler, of course, who eventually caught it. Then, when the handler slipped and fell on the ice the condor escaped again. It calmly walked over to the home team’s bench and hopped over the boards, harassing the Bakersfield Condors.

Eventually, the condor walked itself back to the locker room, confident it had instilled fear in everyone in the arena.