Eat My Sports: So now what?

We are now in the worst part of the year for sports, the post-Super Bowl hangover where we as a viewing public realize “holy ####, I have to pretend to care about the NBA, hockey and college basketball.”

This, ladies and gentlemen is known as sports purgatory.

Baseball doesn’t start for two months and we are forced in to having Sports Center have top-10 highlight reels of basketball assists. Now, don’t get me wrong, I will get into basketball when the time is appropriate, but the NBA regular season is about 50 games too long, I really can’t sit myself down to watch a slate of games until June. I just don’t understand how a sport that can be played in all four seasons of a calendar year.

Hockey has its moments as well, but by and large the sport is about as entertaining as listening to someone read the dictionary.

Which brings us now to college basketball. March Madness specifically. You know, the one time out of the year where betting on sports nationwide is legal, because, you know, putting $20 in an office pool is legit and doesn’t make you a degenerate gambler. But even that glorious time of year is still over a month away.

So, what is my suggestion? On Sundays run Madden demos and pretend the sports world is still up and running. Because if your highlight of the next two months is Dwight Howard getting an alley-oop from a 40-year old Canadian point guard, it’s gonna be a long couple of months.

Resent all of your kids equally

"I may be hugging both of you, but I'm wearing deodorant under only one arm."
“I may be hugging both of you, but I’m wearing deodorant under only one arm.”

Even if one of your children seems like a bastard, that’s no reason to treat them like one. That’s according to researchers from the University of Toronto, who say that differential parenting — when you clearly prefer one child over another in thought and deed — may negatively affect the entire family.

So, if you hoped that locking the bad one in the cupboard would keep him out of the good one’s way, no dice, Mr. Dursley. Looks like you’ll have to try a method of parenting that the Guys* developed called “Equal Opportunity Spankings.”

We plan to sell these, so we can’t tell you much about the EOS home kit other than it involves a Sorry game board, moisturizer and a Mad Libs book where all the noun spaces are filled in with your children’s names.

*None of the Guys are parents, which makes us the best judges on how to raise your children. No conflict of interest here.

The couple that drinks together stays together

Say there, drunkard, are you happy in your relationship? According to a new study, your binging may be hurting your partner, that is, unless she’s your drinking partner, too.

The study claims that the more you drink, the higher your odds of divorce get, but that’s taking a simplistic view of a complicated topic. Researchers interviewed 20,000 married couples and then followed up with them 15 years later. They found that if one partner was a heavy drinker (which for some reason is drinking more than 10 times in two weeks, lightweights), they were more likely to get divorced, especially if it was the woman who bended an elbow. However, science says this wasn’t true for couples who drink on the same level.

A separate study found that couples that drink the same amount are likely to spend more time together and fight less.

So get smashed with your sweetie this Valentine’s Day!