Day: February 15, 2013

You Missed It: Fire in the sky edition

The pope quits, and then this s&%t starts happening.
The pope quits, and then this s&%t starts happening.

No one likes watching women golf, not even women golfers, but the LPGA Australian Open has had some exciting moments this week. First, a golfer got bitten by a poisonous spider, so she drained the puss using a tee and shot a 74. Then, play had to be suspended yesterday because a pack, (or flock, or whatever) of kangaroos invaded the golf course and had to be shooed away. If you’re an early rock ‘n roller who filed a lawsuit over the use of your name for an app measuring the size of your manhood this week, odds are you missed it.

It’s always Russia
If you’re reading this, we made it. An asteroid passed only 17,500 miles from Earth and missed us, thanks to a team led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck, or a team led by Robert Duvall. However, an unrelated meteorite tore across the Russian skies this morning, exploding in the air and sending shock waves strong enough to shatter windows and injure hundreds of people. Reports say the shock wave was strong that some citizens dropped their morning glass of vodka.

Let’s go to the political theater
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union speech of his second term. He told us that the state of the union is strong. As the Republican rebuttal, Sen. Mark Rubio of Florida told us that the state of the union is thirsty. Pundits and internet jokesters alike had a field day, but for my money, the highlight of the night was when Beyoncé performed at halftime.

The poop deck
The Carnival Triumph cruise ship had a massive power loss in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. For days, food went bad, toilets overflowed and brownish “water” flowed down the walls and hallways, all while baking under the hot sun. The ship was finally towed to port, but to add insult to injury, the port was Mobile, Alabama. On a brighter note, I have a theme for my next party.

Spider raaaaaaain

No, it’s not an update to a nearly six year old YouTube video. It’s worse. Much worse. Friends, this is the nightmare scenario.

Spiders, thanks to a web, have taken to the sky above Santo Antônio da Platina, a town in Brazil. It is now raining spiders upon their innocent heads. The beasts range from the size of a pencil eraser to much, much bigger, as their maximum size is unknown. Thanks a lot, Obama scientists.

There’s only one surefire solution to this problem. We must utilize the cleansing power of fire and burn it all. It’s the only way to be safe.

It’s not a filibuster

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it's a filibuster.
Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it’s a filibuster.

The Republican members of the U.S. Senate might have an addiction. The first sign of any addiction is to hide it in plain sight, which is precisely what the GOP is attempting with their latest filibuster, this time against Secretary of Defense nominee, Chuck Hagel.

Knowing that their Congressional members already took a hit as the “Party of No” this past election, but unable to give up the sweet, sweet ride of holding their breath until the president goes away, they blocked the vote to confirm Hagel’s nomination. But, they’re adamant that it’s not a filibuster.

No, they’re claiming the vote was too soon, as Sen. Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn., put it. Or that they want to force the nomination to be approved by 60 votes, as Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., stated outright. But, no, even though they’re blocking a vote they’ve spent weeks talking about (and trying to link to Benghazi), and even though they want to invoke cloture … it’s not a filibuster.

You know, guys, that the first step to overcoming addiction is admitting that you have a problem, right? And if blocking a cabinet appointment isn’t rock bottom, then the Guys don’t have a drinking problem when we start chugging the vermouth.

Canada is ready for the dead to rise

It’s no secret that the federal government is royally screwed up, but now the Canadian are handing our asses to us. Despite this blog’s best efforts, the feds refuse to acknowledge or even plan for the rising of the dead.

Meanwhile, the Canadian House of Commons, which apparently is something like a legislative body, is discussing what measures their country is taking, should the zombies take over the U.S. They’re not planning to swoop in and save us, they’re planning to keep the dead from crossing onto Canadian soil and creating a pandemic.

We are so far behind.