Month: March 2013

You Missed It: Gay old time edition

The Bible also says it's cool to take a mistress if your wife is barren. Though it's silent on Harry Potter characters.
The Bible also says it’s OK to knock up your mistress.

You may have thought that the season of Lent was leading up to Good Friday and Easter, a snap count to the death of Jesus, the original comeback kid, but you’re wrong. This year, it’s a countdown to Major League Baseball’s opening day. Baseball is staying true to its Jewish and Muslim roots by kicking off the new season on one of the biggest Christian holidays. Some scholars believe that Pontius Pilate invented the game itself, beating Abner Doubleday by a good 1,800 years. If you were busy apologizing for having an affair this week, odds are you missed it.

Gays get their days in court
This week, the Supreme Court heard two different cases regarding gay marriage, or marriage equality, or the freedom of marriage, depending on where you are on the issue and which trench you’re in in the war of words. The justices are not expected to make a ruling until June. Between now and then, they will probably review the arguments made by all parties, then consult the Constitution, while Justice Antonin Scalia is expected to go cruising for bears in some of the seedier D.C. bars. Observers are uncertain of how the court will rule on California’s Proposition 8, but seem confident that the justices will reach around and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.

So begins a 13-month retirement party
It was a scant 50 years ago that a plucky reporter named Barbara Walters came on the journalism scene, one of the first women to make it to the national level. She has covered everything from the Nixon administration to Whoopi Goldberg, but in May 2014, she’s going to retire. The 83-year-old Walters said her reasons were the desire to have more free time and the fact that there aren’t any softer lenses to blur her image any further, short of pixelation.

And in entertainment news
Lindsay Lohan is back at it again. This week, she walked off the set of Charlie Sheen’s show Anger Management with jewelry, then she flew to Brazil to promote something, probably a fancy Brazilian vodka or lemon-scented crotch wax. She was at a club in Sao Paulo and began drawing attention, so she hid herself under the DJ booth table, because no one would look there. Lohan’s actions are part of her ongoing spiral into oblivion, but hey, what’s more entertaining than standing by while someone cries for help?

Animals willfully ignorant of difference between inside and outside

The Guys don’t like animals. Maybe we’ve been subtle about that, maybe not so much. Regardless, like a car stuck on a highway full of tractor-trailers, we (and the rest of the human race) are cautiously respectful of the boundary between inside and outside. We don’t necessarily freely give up the outside, but the animal kingdom has its realm, and we have ours. The animal kingdom, sadly, has chosen to break this unspoken agreement.

In Fort Worth, Texas, patrons of a hotel were besieged by an invasion force of bees. Inexplicably deciding to put up shop at the Budget Suites, a swarm of the stinging monsters hovered just outside of the windows, menacing guests.

And in Monrovia, California, a man was terrorized by a pair of bears. Yes, those bastards decided to get up to their old antics again. Justin Lee went into his home only to find the furry beasts gouging themselves on his hard-earned food. A heroic combination of police and animal control officers were able to send the creatures running through the power of bean bag shots. It’s a temporary solution, but we’re always down for a more … permanent solution.

Alaska Rep. Don Young’s ‘Mad Men’ audition panned

"Is it still racist if I say that any one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans, instead?"
“Is it still racist if I say that one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans instead?”

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, did the time warp during a radio interview on Thursday. Citing the progress we’ve made in industry, while making none himself, Young explained: “My father had a ranch; we used to have 50 to 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.” Now, however, “It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It’s all done by machine.”

(We presume he used the term “machine” because he wasn’t sure if his interviewer had seen Battlestar Galactica and would understand what a “toaster” is.)

Young issued a statement later to explain his use of the term “wetbacks,” saying, “I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

See? He meant no disrespect; that’s just how people talked back then or if you’re a racist today. And if we offended Rep. Young by calling him a racist for saying a racist thing, then we assure him that we mean all of the disrespect implied.

Meaty flavor

The internet’s obsession with bacon and willingness to promote outrageous items has finally come to a head. Thanks to the great hive-mind, we can now purchase bacon-flavored condoms.

Just days after Bill Gates issued the call for a “next-generation condom,” we may already have a winner. J&D’s has given us the bacon-flavored condom, because we all enjoy licking prophylactics.

How could the pope possibly condemn condoms now?

MasterChugs Theater: ‘GI Joe: Retaliation’

Who remembers a movie a scant three and a half years ago called GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra? Based off the toyline, it starred Channing Tatum before he was Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon Levitt just after he really became Joseph Gordon Levitt and Marlon Wayans after having still been Marlon Wayans. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t necessarily horrible (though that was also because it came out after the abysmal Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, so it might be a big candidate for “take it with a grain of salt”). The movie was certainly watchable for a dumb afternoon, though there are better action movies out there.

Despite that, like most licensed property movies, the film made a ton of money and a sequel, GI Joe: Retaliation, was made. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was added, which is almost never a bad thing. But then the real craziness happened. Slated for national release in late June, it was pulled just a month before then and given a new release date of March of the following year. The reason given was to add in 3D, but industry rumors were that numerous reshoots for Channing Tatum’s Duke had to be done.

The movie has finally been released. Sort of. I was given a chance to see an early screening of it last night. Was it worth the extended wait? Hit the jump to find out. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘GI Joe: Retaliation’

Hungry for justice

The justices of the U.S. Supreme Court tried to go in together on a pizza, but are deadlocked and waiting for Justice Kennedy to choose between Meatlover's and Plain Cheese.
The justices of the U.S. Supreme Court tried to go in together on a pizza, but are deadlocked and waiting for Justice Kennedy to side with either Meat Lover’s or Plain Cheese.

During the case United States v. Windsor, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reasoned that, since gay marriages that are legal at the state-level aren’t recognized by the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), there are “two kinds of marriage; the full marriage, and then this sort of skim-milk marriage.”

Fans of the U.S. Supreme Court — or as they call themselves on Twitter and Facebook, Supreme Courtesans — may remember the “broccoli” argument from the case National Federation of Independent Businesses v. Sebelius, where businesses challenged the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act’s consitutionality. Also, about whether people have to eat broccoli.

And until we get the snack machines fixed in the Highest Court in the Land, we will continue to hear about skim milk, broccoli and maybe even grilled chicken during all of our most pressing legal discussions.

Game of Thrones cosplayers one step closer to living their dream

Over the past two years, Game of Thrones mania has swept the nation, potentially the world. People left and right are caught up in the drama involving House Stark, politics, intrigue and dirty, dirty sex. Now some crazy people in Oregon have decided to take the obsession with the show one step further: the dire wolf is coming.

Lois Schwarz, of the Schwarz Kennels in White City, Oregon, and founder of The Dire Wolf Project, is attempting to breed the extinct species in order to have as a pet. Well, sort of. The theory is to bring back the aesthetics and looks of the dire wolf somehow in a domesticated companion dog breed. Why? A few reasons: as mentioned earlier, the dire wolf is extinct, it’s illegal to keep the modern gray wolf as a pet and a nerd is quickly parted with a lot of money (these beasts won’t come cheap).

People, perhaps you haven’t paid too much attention to the show or the books, but the dire wolves featured are very large, very scary and very dangerous. Bringing them back is not just a bad idea, it’s a … dire idea. [God, that was horrible, and SeriouslyGuys is ashamed that I wrote it.]

Cosplayers, don’t support this. Stick with the basics to support your costuming purposes: a paper mache dragon (that can be easily lost), a flaming sword, leeches and a missing ear.

In one Irish town, it’s two or three for the road

Ireland is trying hard to get over their perception as a bunch of drunkards, despite all the drinking that goes on over there. That’s why it’s causing quite a stir that a small Irish town wants to make sure you have a pint or two before heading home from work.

The town of Kilgarvan in County Kerry isn’t much but a speck on the map. It’s basically one main road and then a few country lanes. But it’s where a measure, proposed by pub owner Danny Healy-Rae, was passed to give “permits to people living in rural isolated areas to allow them to drive home from their nearest pub after having two or three drinks on little-used roads driving at very low speeds.” Basically, stop into the local pub and socialize for a bit, then do your best not to hit anyone on your way home.

Healy-Rae said he wants to revive the dying pub culture, and allow for those living in secluded areas to get out and see people again. And thanks to science, we now know that preventing isolation can save lives. So while driving after a few drinks may put others at risk, in this case, it could save the driver.

Actual film declared not a film after being watched and awarded for filminess

Wait, it has a poster and everything? How is this not a legitimate movie when we all grudgingly agree that Movie 43 is?
Wait, it has a poster and everything? How is this not a legitimate movie when we all grudgingly agree that Olympus Has Fallen is?

The Las Vegas film festival rescinded the Silver Ace award given to a British film, A Landscape of Lies. (Note: The linked Reuters article incorrectly bills the movie as “Landscape of Lives.”) It turns out that the aptly named film about a Gulf War veteran seeking justice for his murdered comrade was actually a fraud to cheat money out of investors.

Of course, then the gang behind the swindle made the movie (although for significantly less than they reported on their taxes), and it won an award that the festival claims is only a participation award.

So, it’s a real movie with real actors — including Marc Bannerman from EastEnders and Scottish TV presenter Andrea McLean — that was even watched by real movie viewers who officially recognized it as an acceptable assemblage of pictures in motion … but it’s not a real movie because of the intent to steal money from investors and the public? This is exactly how the rest of us felt when they made a Green Lantern movie, and yet Martin Campbell and the executives at Warner Brothers are free to walk the streets.

Kids now think it’s cool to follow the rules

All throughout The Guys’ childhood, adolescence, teenage and even college years, it just seemed really cool to not follow the rules. Whether that was cutting in line, stealing a Snickers bar, boosting a car or trespassing on a playground in the middle of night, we just thought it was so much better to do wrong than right.

How the times have changed. The Federal Trade Commission has put together a report stating that punk teenagers sneaking into the movie they’re not old enough to see yet is at an all time low. Teenagers playing the role of mystery shoppers (known as narcs in my day) have begun to see a new rule of cool, eliminating the usage of CAPS-LOCK and wearing sunglasses at night, but instead being prevented from buying M-rated games and R-rated tickets to movies.

What does this mean? Next time you think you’ve got that hook-up, you might want to double check it, just in case.