Day: March 8, 2013

You Missed It: Drinks on a plane edition

Swords will also be allowed, provided they're used only to open champagne bottles.
Swords will also be allowed, provided they’re used only to open champagne bottles.

Today is International Women’s Day, which I’m sure I didn’t need to remind you. I know you’ve spent weeks planning your IWD festivities. In fact, I’d be shocked if you’re not hammered right now. Is this a new holiday? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it. I guess you’re supposed to celebrate it by refraining from sexist comments, or stop and think before calling someone the B word. The good news is that the other 364 days of the year are still Internationals Men’s Day. If you were busy nervously interviewing Mila Kunis this week, odds are you missed it.

Because terrorists don’t drink
The TSA announced this week that it will loosen some of its rules on what passengers can take in their carry-on bags when they fly. For the first time since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, passengers can bring their baseball bats and golf clubs with them, which will undoubtedly be a praised by the Airborne Sportsmen Association. Also allowed are knives with blades less than two inches long. This means that you can bring your corkscrew with you. It’s only a matter of time before the TSA relaxes on liquids rules and lets you bring your wine, too.

Droning on and on
As a dud of a snowstorm circled Washington, D.C. this week, Sen. Rand Paul opted for an old-school filibuster of the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA director, because the Obama administration didn’t expressly say that it wouldn’t use drones to kill Americans. Despite it being completely lawful for the military to kill anyone deemed an enemy combatant, inside the U.S. or out, Paul rambled for 13 hours about how flying robots were coming to kill us all. After the senator eventually lifted his block on Brennan’s nomination, the drone circling the Capitol was called off.

And they all wear high school rings
With Pope Benedict XVI out of power, the College of Cardinals has to choose his successor. This week they met as a sort of social gathering, and announced that they will begin the papal conclave next Tuesday. Like any college party, and in accordance with Vatican law, it’s expected that the leader of the group will the one who can do the longest keg stand.

He (may have) stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

And by “cookie jar,” we still mean “large and unmarked warehouse.”

Remember that grand theft of the Girl Scout cookies? You know, the one that was only fifty percent worth it because half of the contents stolen were of the Shortbread variety (yum) and the other half were of the Thin Mint variety (ugh)?

Surprise, surprise: it was an inside job. Well, “inside job” meaning from within the warehouse, not from within the Girl Scouts. Christopher Morton, accused of the theft, has not said why he allegedly decided to steal almost $19,000 worth of cookies, including his horrible choice to grab $9,500 worth of Thin Mints.

Kraft Mac and Cheese gives Internet moms the blues

Mm, real cheesy goodness that you can cook on either a stove-top range or in a spoon for intravenous consumption.
Mm, real cheesy goodness that you can cook either on a stove-top range or in a spoon for intravenous consumption.

Two very courageous mommy bloggers are taking on Big Macaroni. (We’d abbreviate that to “Big Mac,” but The Guys blew our legal services budget on whole grain alcohol.)

The authors, one of which writes a blog called “100 Days of Real Food,” posted a petition on Change.org to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese — a product containing powdered cheese and 35 percent of your daily sodium — more “real” by taking out food dyes Yellow #5 and #6.

Meanwhile, at the grocery store: rows of actual cheese and pasta remain unsold.

Secret government program survives budget cuts

"You have been targeted for termination."
“You have been targeted for termination.”

A series of stupid cuts to the federal budget, known as sequestration, or the sequester, have gone into effect. A lot of things we depend on are going to be affected, even national defense. But luckily, not our funding for new technology in the War on Animals.

The funding for Robosquirrel will remain intact, according to the National Science Foundation. The project receives $325,000 dollars from a federal research grant, under the guise of better understanding the predator-prey relationship between squirrels and snakes. They basically, put Robosquirrel on a ramp near a snake, then roll it out and see if the snake bites.

We all know the real reason for the project, which is to create cybernetic organisms to infiltrate the enemy ranks, Terminator-style.