Day: March 21, 2013

Attempted Axe murderer on the loose!

According to this grainy footage, Axe users are notorious lady-killers.
According to this grainy footage, Axe users are notorious lady-killers.

An attempted Axe murderer is on the loose in Freedom High School in Bethlehem, Pa. At least one student was hospitalized after inhaling the assailant’s copiously applied Axe Body Spray.

Unilever, the Axe maker in question, denies any culpability in the attack, saying they’ve always encouraged responsible Axe uses and safety. There will always be Axe in high schools, malls and movie theaters, they admit, but users can report issues to “our Consumer Services Team at our 800 phone number, which is available on the back of our product packaging.”

No arrests have been made at this time, but authorities have asked all students to leave their Axe at home for the time being. Axe-free school zones, however, will not stop the attacks, though. Everyone knows that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with Axe … is a good guy with Axe. Or Tag. Or Bod.

‘Bingo’ is a four-letter word

As any middle-schooler can tell you, the First Amendment gives us the right to free speech and to vote for our favorites on reality talent shows. While the Supreme Court has stayed eerily silent on the latter issue, it has ruled time and again that even freedom of speech has its limits. In Covington, Kentucky, that includes saying, “Bingo.”

Austin Whaley, 18, has been banned by a court from saying that word, not because it is offensive, but because he was yelling it out during a bingo game when he didn’t actually have a bingo. The game is serious business in that part of town, clearly. For now, he’ll have to stick to Yahtzee.