Day: March 22, 2013

You Missed It: On the cover edition

"Thnx 4 not tweeting the 'Two Virgins' album cover."
“Thnx 4 not tweeting the ‘Two Virgins’ album cover.”

Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.

The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.

The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.

Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.

Groundhog? Don’t mind if we do

Al Roker sharted in his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.
Al Roker pooped his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.

After failing to see his shadow this February, Punxsutawney Phil may soon see his life flash before his eyes. Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, filed an indictment against the fake weather psychic, alleging that “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”

And does Ohio take fraud seriously? You bet your hamster. The penalty for misrepresenting spring is a felony, punishable by death.

Really, it’s about time. When the rodent correctly predicted the end of winter, he should have been tried for witchcraft. And now that his power’s gone, he is at the mercy of the U.S.’s 10th worst state. See? This is why you don’t make deals with the devil.

Beavers save town, but we’re still wary

It appears that a beaver dam has saved the people of Willard, Utah the hassle of drinking water fortified with diesel fuel. Yes, the animals did something helpful for once.

In what has to be a preparation for a larger attack, beavers are being praised for helping to contain a diesel fuel leak in nearby Willard Bay. The cleanup of the spill is still ongoing. The only other possible reason this happened is that the beavers has no idea that a pipeline was going to leak, and were actually just trying to cut off the town’s water supply.