Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come to this Web site since that’s not really a thing you can see … or even hear since the dial-up days. Also, because I’m busy at work in my lair.
Why do I have a lair? Well, when I’m not writing fart jokes or pretending to be a doctor, I have a day job. And when I’m not at that day job, I put on a cowl and practice arch-evil. I guess you could say I’m a part-time villain.
I’d like to say that I’m pretty good at villainy — for an amateur, that is. But, no matter how many shrink rays I invent or monologues I write, I’ll never be able to quit my day and blogging jobs because I’m hopelessly outmatched by the Republican party.
Yes, I mean that the Republican party (or GOP) are twice the villains I could ever hope to be. And I don’t mean that because I’m a registered Democrat. On the contrary, as a practicing villain who aspires to one day destroy the world, I consider it my duty to vote Republican as often as possible. Here’s why:
One of the most important elements of being a good villain is style, and, brother, nobody’s more stylish than the Republicans.
Just take a look at Fox News. Those suits. Those ties. That hair. Those tans. Brian Kilmeade makes Brian Williams look like the old man that reads the news on NBC.
And, like the Joker, they come with their own Harley Quinns, and they’re all blonde.
But, style isn’t just clothes and manicured girl hands. It’s attitude.
If you look at a Republican wrong, they will level your entire country. Afghanistan? New government. Iraq? Didn’t even do anything, and now they’re trying out new national anthems. Iran and North Korea? They’ve got their eyes on you. Syria? Only a matter of time.
If you’re suspected of terrorism? No sissy courts for you. The Republicans have a hole to stick you in forever, provided, of course, that you weren’t killed when apprehended.
Even domestically, if you offend a Republican by, oh, suggesting that their blocking of laws that would grant equal protection to gays and lesbians is based on homophobia and bigotry, then they will buy up all the guns and ammo to protect themselves from tyranny.
Basically, the Republicans are more stylish and angrier than Tony Montana at the end of Scarface, and the world is theirs!
Any actor who plays villains will tell you that the best villains think they’re heroes. That, rather than putting on a mustache and cape, a truly great villain is sure that they are morally in the right, and it’s because somebody broke the rules that they’re forced to do these terrible things.
And when it comes to moral justification Republicans wrote the book on it (or they would have, were they 3000 years old and Jewish): the Bible.
As mentioned above, Republicans aren’t bigots; they just know that gays are destroying marriage. They’re not against medical care for everyone; they’re just against it for sluts and whores. Or for immigrants, who are also stealing our jobs, tax dollars and college placements. And only a villain with absolute moral clarity could make a single, universal choice for every mother when it comes to abortion.
God is on the Republicans’ side, and woe be to those who get in their way.
Any regular old psycho can do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. The Republican party, however, demonstrates that they are just as criminally insane as any member of Batman’s rogues gallery.
For instance, any common thug on Capitol Hill would try to repeal Obamacare maybe once every election. Once a year, tops. House Republicans are about to vote to repeal it for the 33rd time (at least) since it was enacted in 2010. That means they’ve voted to repeal it 11 times a year, or 16 times per election.
And anything that the Democrats attempt to pass in the Senate? Not past the Republican’s filibuster they won’t. By 2010, Republicans managed to filibuster 325 bills. In December 2012, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell even filibustered his own bill.
And speaking of the filibuster, that brings me to the next reason why I could never be half as villainous as the GOP …
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Tex., surprised the nation when, instead of merely calling a filibuster to set the voting threshold at 60 votes, he gave an actual talking filibuster to prevent yet another Obama presidential appointment. Sen. Paul tangentially connected the CIA’s drone program with the guy who wasn’t even in charge of the CIA yet, talking for 13 hours about due process for American citizens when blowing them up with remote-controlled flying terminators.
It only took a couple of weeks before he argued that it’s OK, however, to kill somebody with a drone if they walk out of a gas station with what may have been legally obtained $50 in cash and a weapon.
This proves that nothing can ruin a truly epic villainous monologue, even that villain’s own inconsistency.
All of the above criteria is important for practicing villainy, but is useless without villainous goals.
When Mitch McConnell became Senate Majority Leader in 2010, he swore to make President Obama a one-term president. When, despite a record number of filibusters and nothing being accomplished, Obama became a two-term president, that did not deter McConnell from his goal. (See “persistence” above.) According to Sen. Pat Toomey, R-Pa., the only reason all but three Senate Republicans voted against universal background checks for gun purchases — something that 90 percent of the U.S. population supports — is because they didn’t want to be seen supporting something the president wants to do.
You see, the Republican goal isn’t to deport illegal immigrants. It’s not to protect your income from big government. It’s not to protect your Constitutional freedoms. It’s not even to beat President Obama in an election anymore.
The Republican goal is to defeat President Obama by making him look like a liar when he promised to close Guantanamo (which they just voted to keep open indefinitely) or to hold banks accountable for the 2008 economic collapse (by filibustering Elizabeth Warren’s nomination to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau).
In short, the Republican goal is to defeat Obama’s first term election slogan, “Hope.” And is there anything more villainous than trying to destroy hope?