Day: May 10, 2013

If you ask me, Mother’s Day is sexist. First off, the only people who celebrate it happen to be women. Coincidence? I think not. This holiday isn’t even for all women, it’s just the ones who have given birth. Holidays are supposed to be for everyone, but no, not this one. It’s got elitism written all over it. I’d be more inclined to celebrate this holiday if recent mothers would give me just one day without posting pictures of their kids on Facebook. Your kid looks the same has he did yesterday. If you were busy installing the spire on the new World Trade Center this week, odds are you missed it.

Expect more race pandering in 2016
This week, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that black people out-voted white people last November, the first time his has happened in a presidential election since 1968. Over 66% of eligible blacks voted in the 2012 while only 64.1% of eligible white people voted. I think we all know that the system is rigged in favor of minorities.

That’s enough, Bieber
In a polarized political climate, the one thing we can agree on is that Justin Bieber sucks. According to a recent poll, both Democrats and Republicans expressed disapproval of the singer. Respondents also said that out of a list of pop stars, they would most likely vote for Justin Timberlake for president. In other news, they’re using chemical weapons in the Syrian civil war.

A blow to DIYers, gun enthusiasts
The federal government banned the distribution of designs for a plastic gun, which could be used on a 3-D printer. Defense Distributed, based in, you guess it, Texas, said it was ordered by the State Department to pull the designs for the 15-part firearm. The administration cited the threat posed by plastic guns in In the Line of Fire, and there are only so many Clint Eastwoods.

At long last, after 10,000 years of teasing human beings, the Arctic may finally reveal what’s under all that ice.

When asked what changed after keeping humans in the “temperate zone” for so long, the Arctic revealed that we have finally, thanks to the Industrial Revolution, almost gotten her hot enough to show us her ample shelf and hidden forest. Recent measurements compared to findings from a Siberian meteor site show the same amount of greenhouse gasses in our atmosphere as the last time the Arctic bared all for some very lucky dinosaurs.

So what happens next? The Arctic gets wet. Very wet. So wet that the oceans should rise about 130 feet. And once you get the planet moist, it’ll only get hotter, because those darker waters retain more heat.

So, our long wait is almost over. We may even go “all the way” with her in our own lifetimes.

Goats. Bah. They eat everything, they’re annoying, they poop everywhere and some of them are fainting cowards. No one likes goats. That goes for both sides of this war.

Well, now we’re putting them to use. Take that, animals!

O’Hare airport, one of the worst airports This Guy has ever been to, is fighting the economic crunch by putting goats to the grass. (Warning: link has an ad with autoplay and sound — sorry.) They’ll be brought over on loan from a local restaurant to mow a large portion of the lawn the old fashioned way: with their mouths.

That’s called beating two bir-goats with one stone.

Alberta has a roadkill problem. We wouldn’t say the killing of our natural enemies with a symbol of mankind’s greatness, the SUV, is a bad thing, but it is messy.

To deal with the problem, they have started hauling roadkill carcasses by helicopter to remote areas populated by bears and just dropping them. While we commend the Canadians for the cool idea of dropping dead animals from helicopters, feeding the bears cannot be commended.

This is another example of socialism. The bears will soon become dependent on the Alberta government for food, putting the burden on human taxpayers. Plus, feeding bears helps them live, which is counterproductive in a war.