You Missed It: Border wars edition

What a hellhole, eh?
What a hellhole, eh?

Generally, NASCAR is pretty funny. It’s a sport where spectators’ goal is to get a drunk as possible beforehand and then dodge flying debris during. It’s a symbol for life, really. You spend the whole time trying to maintain your buzz, watching people you’ll never be compete for the entertainment of thousands, going in circles all the while. But today, we can’t make fun of racing, because they lost one of their own. Dick Trickle was found dead of an apparent suicide. Stop snickering at his name, you guys. If you were busy explaining to the insurance company about how your car got closed in a gate this week, odds are you missed it.

A city hits rock bottom
Toronto has had an unusually hard week. After battling back in the series to force a game 7, the Maple Leafs fell to the Boston Bruins in overtime. Then it was reported that people are shopping around a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. Your hockey team lost to the Bruins in the first round and your mayor is caught smoking the rock? Congratulations, Toronto, you’re Washington, D.C. in 1990!

From the Hill looking down
It was uncovered this week that IRS agents targeted groups with conservative-sounding names seeking nonprofit status in recent years, which has drawn criticism from conservative lawmakers. Further Congressional hearings were also called investigating last September’s Bengazi attack, which was investigated months ago. The House also voted for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare. Any day now, lawmakers are going to get around to that sequestration thing.

There is not enough soap to get you clean
This week, an anonymous bidder purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9 million dollars. The painting was done in 1991, and Arthur did not sit for the work of art. The bidder reportedly is planning to spend the entire weekend alone in his room.

Crisis averted.

Nerd rage is not the same as actually assaulting someone. We’d just like to point that out ahead of time.

A fight of the most epic proportions erupted at a British sci-fi convention. The people involved? Members of a Star Wars fan club versus Doctor Who fans. We might not be talking the Hatfields and McCoys, or even the Sharks and the Jets, but hey, it could still be bad! Maybe. The reason behind the spat? The treasurer of the Star Wars club asked a Doctor Who actor for his autograph. Okay, so it’s not exactly the assassination of the Archduke Ferdinand, but still!

Police were eventually called over reports of an assault taking place, but after questioning, it was realized that having your internet pride hurt isn’t exactly what an assault truly is.

Lookin’ like a fool with your poop in the pool

DO: Drop the kids off at the pool. DON'T: "Drop the kids off at the pool."
DO: Drop the kids off at the pool.
DON’T: “Drop the kids off at the pool.”

The CDC investigated 161 pools in and around Atlanta, Ga. and, according to bacterial evidence, somebody squeezed off a dook in over half of them. They found E. coli in 58 percent of all tested pools’ filters, and P. aeroginosa in 59 percent.

The CDC partially blames improper cleaning and maintenance procedures, but also that you — yes, you — are not fooling anybody. We’ve seen you at the bar and know that you go to the bathroom every 30 minutes.

So, what can you do to help prevent the already rising number of pool-illness incidents?

1. Wash that ass. Unwashed perianal regions (that area ranging from your pee parts to your anus, including the taint) contain 0.14 grams of fecal matter on average. So, scrub up with soap before soap before going to the pool — or, for that matter, sitting on shared surfaces or standing upwind from anybody.

2. Stop pooping in the pool. Or peeing. Or farting after eating “complete proteins.” And if you have diarrhea, just imagine there are poop-eating sharks — or shartks — waiting for you.

Thank you for your attention. Hope you have a rad summer.

GFC: Gaza Fried Chicken

When you get really hungry, there’s nothing like fast food. It’s universal. So when Palestinians get hungry after a long day’s work of throwing rocks at Israeli tanks, naturally, they get a hankerin’ for some downhome country cookin’. That’s why KFC is one of the more popular things to smuggle into the Gaza Strip.

Just call up al-Yamama (don’t laugh, we’re trying to be culturally-sensitive here), a fast-food smuggling service. The food starts frying at a KFC 35 miles away in Egypt, and in just three short hours, the food is delivered to your door by way of a tunnel system.

The Colonel has officially been drafted into a war he never asked for.