Day: May 24, 2013

You’re probably on your way to somewhere cool you’re going to spend your Memorial Day weekend right now. If that’s true, you’re almost certainly not reading this, but if it is true, and you’re driving, put me down. Not in the verbally-abusive way, I mean stop reading. I admire your eagerness to read, but let’s face it, I’ve got a pretty good buzz going at this point. I’m operating at about 70%. If you were busy checking out a huge Lego X-Wing in Times Square this week, odds are you missed it.

All good atheists go to Heaven
This week, Pope Francis said during a Mass that anyone, including atheists, can get to Heaven be doing good works during their time on Earth. The pope suggested that everyone, not just Catholics, can lead good lives. This sparked a significant debate about whether non-believers should be let in St. Peter’s pearly gates. You know who’s not part of the debate? Atheists.

Back to Paris
The wait is over. After a break from the studio for seven years, Paris Hilton announced she is working a new house music album to be released this summer. If that news makes you question if God exists, don’t worry, Pope Francis says you can still get to Heaven.

BSA puts the ‘out’ in ‘scouts’
Boy Scouts of America’s national council voted to allow gay scouts to scout, but gay scout leaders can’t lead scouts because of cooties. The decision was criticized by the more conservative members of the organization, which see the decision as a violation of BSA’s moral code. Conservative congregations have threatened to pull funding for their local Boy Scout troops, especially the churches whose pastors have secret gay boyfriends.

Good news, everyone! Emotionally blackmailing celebrities still works!

Jake Davidson, who became Internet famous by asking Kate Upton to his high school prom, indeed went with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit/Carl’s Jr. sandwich-eating model. It just wasn’t Kate Upton because she had a scheduling conflict. She sent a replacement, though: Nina Agdal.

(Is it weird to anyone else that there are at least two SI swimsuit models eating Hardee’s food on television?)

Davidson remarked that the date went well, in that they “talked about her modeling, traveling, and where she’s lived.” He also believes that they have “a bunch of stuff in common,” like how neither of them has connected emotionally with any of the girls at his school.

So, there you go: you don’t have to have an incurable fatal disease (noncontagious, of course) to make celebrities feel guilty about turning your highly-publicized promposal down. And celebrities can send a reasonable facsimile in their place because they are not a person who you actually know.

Once again: goats, bah.

Perhaps their attempt to mow the lawn of O’Hare Airport was nothing but a ploy. Perhaps the goats of Illinois are simply a different breed than the ones found in New Jersey. No matter what, a goat ran rampant in Jersey City and is responsible for four (yes, FOUR) accidents and jammed up traffic. (Warning: Link has an ad with autoplay.)

May it burn in goat Hell, which is a land with no cans whatsoever.

When you kick back with a drink or ten this Memorial Day weekend, make sure you get the booze you ordered, especially if that drink came from a bar in New Jersey.

State alcohol enforcement officials raided 13 establishments, including TGI Fridays, in response to complaints and tips that the places were swapping out the top-shelf liquor for something less so. To The Guys, this is a crime against humanity, and we’re glad to see that while there are all sort of things New Jersey will tolerate — like the mafia, gambling, mosquitoes, guidos and the New York Jets — cheating us out of our high-class hootch isn’t one of them.