Day: May 29, 2013

As fellow Guy, Bryan McBournie, brought to our attention on Friday, the new pope kind of forgot to send atheists to Hell last week. During a recent sermon, Pope Francis said that everybody can go to heaven through good works, even atheists.

Wait, even atheists, Father?

Wow. That’s pretty exciting news. Sort of like how the Boy Scouts of America also decided last week that gay kids can join their club that is intentionally devoid of any positive adult gay role models.

In both cases, two very conservative organizations that do good work when they’re not actively discriminating against people they dislike, attempted to reach out to communities in the most tone-deaf ways possible. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Some atheists *still* need religion

Doctors at Aachen University Hospital in Germany removed a four inch pencil that had been lodged in the head of a 24-year-old Afghan man. The pencil had been inside of his head for years because he was unaware of it ever entering.

He did recall falling as a boy and getting a serious nosebleed. It’s possible that the pencil had been on the floor and penetrated in a way that would explain injuries to his right eye socket and sinuses.

The removal should end his years of headaches, a runny nose and eyesight problems. Also, he’ll have to buy paper because, without the pencil, he will no longer be able to work out math problems in his head.

Nobody actually knows what a moose sounds like. Do they growl? Roar? Purr? Bellow? Do they even make noises? We just don’t know and it’s information that’s a lot more critical to us than anyone realizes. Moose attacks are (probably) on the rise. If we had information on their calls, we could prevent unneeded accidents! We could prevent damage to humans! We could prevent what happened to a Montana woman.

Scientists, we need this funded and taken care of. Observe, research and then remove the test patients. Information and nutrition all in one!

When it comes to money, Canada seemingly has no idea what it’s doing. First, it puts pictures of animals on its coins, then they decided to make their bills out of polymer rather than paper, and then they decided to put such awe-inspiring events on its $5 and $5 polymer bills as the Canadarm (a space arm thingy) and a train.

And apparently it has accidentally made itself even more Canadian.

Their new money smells like maple syrup. Since the polymer bills began making their way to circulation in late 2011, Canadians have reported that their new bills smell like maple. They were so perplexed that they wrote to their government trying to find out if that’s how it’s supposed to smell.

At least they don’t smell like ham — we mean, Canadian bacon.