You Missed It: Rainbow edition

That night, the appletinis flowed like water.
That night, the appletinis flowed like water.

Earlier this week I was in Las Vegas for work. Everyone thought that sounded like such a good gig, traveling to Sin City on the company dime and all, they were wrong. I was there for about 36 hours, and since I live on the East Coast, I spent about 20 hours either in an airport or a plane, thanks to the weather. In short, I had no time to enjoy myself, and even less energy to do it in the first place. One day I will go to Vegas and see what all of the fuss is about. If you were busy filibustering this week, odds are you missed it.

A gay day in Washington
The Supreme Court released another batch of decisions this week, with the biggest news coming from the gay marriage front. In twin rulings, the court in effect struck down California’s ban on gay marriage, as well as the federal Defense of Marriage Act, requiring the government to give its married gay and lesbian employees the same benefits as married heterosexual employees. It was seen as a huge win for gay marriage, and an even bigger one for divorce lawyers.

But how will this affect Tim Tebow?
This week, authorities arrested Aaron Hernandez and charged him with first degree murder in the death of his friend, Odin Lloyd. At the same time, he was released from the New England Patriots. Authorities are also investigating his connection to a double homicide earlier this year. Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite for the 2013 Ray Lewis Award.

Maybe she was just quoting a line from ‘Django’
Paula Deen is seeing her contracts and endorsements slip away one by one after she admitted during a deposition that she has used the “N word” and wanted to host a plantation-style wedding with black waiters dressed up to look like slaves. However, her forthcoming cook book is pre-selling like butter-soaked hotcakes online. Paula Deen’s New Testament will be a collection of recipes for lightened-up foods. Among the helpful tips: “Tell your [redacted] slave to go easy on the butter, sour cream and cheese.”

Bald eagles endanger America

America’s history in the War on Animals is a complicated one.

On the one hand, this country was forged by men and women who killed animals, skinned them, ate their insides and wore their butts on their heads as hats.

On the other, we’ve also embraced animals as symbols for ourselves. We’ve named our worst sports teams after them. Who hasn’t been accused of being a grumpy bear or randy lion? Even our country’s emblem features a bald eagle.

How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like terrorists?
How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like  common terrorists?

We’ve lived with this wartime ambivalence for 237 years. But, now, those very same bald eagles we put on our money and kill with pesticides have forced our hand, making Seattle move their official 4th of July fireworks display because it might scare some baby eagles.

Gee, where did these eaglets learned to be afraid of us? Maybe they learned it at the anti-human summer terrorist camps that their parents send them to.

What anti-human summer terrorist camps, you ask, citizens of Seattle? The ones just waiting to be uncovered if you go ahead with your fireworks as originally scheduled. You’ll probably find other animals there — ones we routinely explode every Fourth — thinking that hanging out with eagles would protect them. Light ’em all up for freedom and mankind.

How do I know you’re not packing?

Fellas, watch out for the women out there. You may not have heard about this, but the ones who shake something other than your hand as a greeting may not actually come to you in honesty, no matter how hard they shake it.

In Oregon, a caretaker was helping a patient move, or something like that, when suddenly, two women pulled up in a truck and called him over. With a seemingly inhuman reach one of the women reached down and greeted the man by grabbing his crotch. Naturally, he was smitten, and agreed to meet for coffee the next day

Naturally, he met with them next the next, and met with them in their car. They tried to coax him out of his debit card PIN, after a long drive, they gave up.

Lesson learned.

A power grab by our animal foes

As the summer heat starts to crank up, it’s prime time for an attack on our power grid. Such an attack in Wichita, Kansas this week was not the work of Chinese hackers or terrorists. It was far more sinister.

According to authorities, a squirrel crawled into an electric substation (knowingly, we assume) and caused a short circuit and a fire. As a result, there were blackouts throughout the city.

They know where to hit us, and they are not afraid of death.

A Dr. Snee Special Report: The Keto Diet

T-shirt Idea: "Nutritionists take it by the pound!"
T-shirt Idea: “Nutritionists take it by the pound!”

As an online doctor,* I get a lot of questions about diet, especially this time of year when everyone’s trying to lose weight in time for wearing wedding formal wear and swimsuits. Which diet works best, which one’s healthiest for you, which one requires the least math, which one lets me eat the same s**t that made me fat in the first place, etc.

So, rather than answer every single letter, I’m going to devote the next several Dr. Snee columns to reviewing fad diets. Together, we (but mostly I) will explore a trendy diet:

  • What it claims to do.
  • What it really does.
  • How you’re probably being mislead with — what we call in the medial community — bulls**t.

This week’s fancy diet is the Keto Diet. Continue reading A Dr. Snee Special Report: The Keto Diet

Your Mom: Supreme Court overturns DOMA, dismisses Prop. 8 case

Occasionally, SeriouslyGuys receives guest submissions from readers. If they are coherent, do not explicitly sell anything and avoid more than three references to The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, then we consider them for publication. Today’s guest post comes from your mom.


The U.S. Supreme Court struck down the section of the Defense of Marriage Act that denies federal recognition and benefits to same-sex couples legally married in their states. It also dismissed the case concerning California’s Proposition 8, a state constitutional amendment that bans same-sex marriage, because the governor and attorney general refused to defend it.

He looks lonely. Is he single? You might have a lot in common.
He looks lonely. Is he single? You might have a lot in common.

The rulings raise big questions. For instance: because the Supreme Court dismissed the Prop. 8 case, letting the appeals court ruling stand without declaring the law unconstitutional, will California be able to pass a law that officially overturns it? Also, when are you getting married?

When the issue last went to a vote, the majority of Californians voted against same-sex marriage, so we can only wonder if opinion has swayed enough from 2008 for a different outcome. And you’re almost 30 years old. You’re telling me you haven’t met a nice boy or girl by now?

These rulings also follow the recent change to Pentagon policy that ended their Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. And, while I’m glad you didn’t run out and join the military even though you can serve openly now, I can’t for the life of me figure out why you don’t want to have a big wedding and maybe adopt or invitro me some grandbabies. I’m not getting any younger, either, you know.

Just think about it, OK? Love you!


your-mother-bylineYour mother loves you very much and wishes you would call her more. You can read more of her writing on Facebook or in the email she just sent you. Did you get it? She might have a virus, so let her know if you didn’t. Or, you can find her with The Guys, fortune cookie-style. (In bed.)

Terror in the streets of D.C.

On Monday, Washingtonians and tourists alike were gripped with fear. There was an escapee named Rusty, and naturally, he was considered extremely dangerous.

Yes, the work week kicked off with terror, as Rusty the red panda was reported missing from the National Zoo. (In case you don’t remember, these things are bears. Ferocious, man-eating bears.) Luckily, the people of Washington, D.C. are able to come together in times of crisis. Rusty was caught by that afternoon.

Newt Gingrich claimed no responsibility on Twitter. Not that anyone asked him. We’re watching you, Gingrich, we’re watching you.

Eat My Sports: The three-feat

This week I’m feeling scatterbrained, when it comes to sports and pop-culture as a whole, this week basically exploded with things to hit on, which is why I’m going to focus on the three that I thought were the biggest.

1. Aaron Hernandez
I don’t know why this story has captivated me so much, but all signs point to to this man has played his last down in the NFL, and that in all likelihood, has numbered free days left. Maybe Hernandez was in the wrong spot at the wrong time, but destroying his cell phone and home surveillance equipment don’t exactly add up to the actions of an innocent man. The details keep getting more and more dark, along with Hernandez’ past, all of which add up to the wrong kind of offseason news for Hernandez and the Pats Continue reading Eat My Sports: The three-feat

Jonathan Simkins and the Towering Waspferno

"So the people of central Florida gave me this medal afterwards. And they were all, 'This is our highest honor; we don't even give it to Wookies.' And I was all, 'Thanks.'"
“So the people of central Florida gave me this medal afterwards. And they were all, ‘This is our highest honor; we don’t even give it to Wookies.’ And I was all, ‘Thanks.'”

Most of us, when faced with two or three wasps building a nest, emit a scream only dogs can hear while ducking and spraying it. Entomologist Jonathan Simkins, however, took out the Death Star of yellow jacket nests — 6 feet tall, 8 feet wide — all on his lonesome and lived to tell the tale.

And, if he hadn’t lived to tell it, then at least he caught it all on video:

Source: WFLA-TV News Channel 8

Simkins estimates that he faced thousands of queens and millions of drones and, ultimately, defeated both with spray and his own secret technique. We can’t say that this involved firing two torpedoes at a small thermal exhaust port less than two meters wide, triggering a chain reaction to the reactor core … but since it’s a trade secret, then yes, that’s absolutely what he did.

Eat it, Wedge.

Amanda of steel

Amanda Bynes, otherwise known as Lindsay Lohan-lite, has taken to Twitter to let people know that she is a hero for surviving her life with webbing between her eyes.

The Guys have several descriptions for Bynes as well, though none of which are hero, and ours rhymes with “more” and “crazy-mass hitch.”