Day: June 4, 2013

To refresh our readers that don’t already know, SG is 50% a Red Sox biased staff, which means we don’t shy away from making jabs at the New York Yankees whenever we can, and specifically, one Alex Rodriguez. Rodriguez, or, A-Rod for you abbreviators out there, is set to be suspended by the MLB for 100 games for his connections to a south Florida anti-aging clinic. And we couldn’t be happier.

You see, Rodriguez has always been point of interest for Sox’ fans over the past decade because of the constant what if this had happened and he was our guy scenarios. Rodriguez was on his way to Boston before the player’s union nixed the trade because he wanted to take less money to play in Boston. Ever since then he’s been a consistent playoff choker, busted for steroid use, twice, and is now looking at the distinct reality that his career might be over. Continue reading Eat My Sports: A-Fraud strikes again

Frozen mammoths are back!

Wait, correction, no they’re not.

Nope, never mind, their blood cells are back.

Hold on, it now seems that the frozen blood cells are liquid.

We at SeriouslyGuys don’t actually know what’s happening with the newly discovered frozen mammoth blood cells, but we can only assume they’re made of alcohol. While we normally don’t advocate for the return of an animal, bringing this one back would mean we could literally drink its blood. So there’s that.

If you thought things couldn’t get stupider in The Case of the Boy with the Pop-Tart Gun, don’t worry. The NRA and a Republican state delegate have it covered.

8-year-old Josh Welsh was suspended from Park Elementary School in Anne Arundel County, Maryland, after taking bites out of his Pop-Tart until it resembled the shape of a gun. The shape violated the school’s zero tolerance policy against guns and judgement, so Josh had to go.

Josh’s lawyer has appealed the suspension in court, presenting pictures of the states of Idaho and Florida that the school uses that, in his estimation, look more like guns than Josh’s breakfast pastry remains. (Fun fact: eleven of twelve jurors also believe that each state looks more like a penis than Josh’s Pop-Tart.)

And now, Maryland Delegate Nicholaus Kipke has ponied up $550 to buy Josh a lifetime Junior Membership in the NRA. Kipke believes that the membership will be good for Josh since, as neither he nor his parents own a gun, it’s up to Wayne LaPierre to teach him how to safely and properly handle his breakfast.

Fortunately, we can focus on this case rather than do anything meaningful about actual gun violence.

Florida seems like it’s a nice place to visit and all, but we’d rather not live there. The place is full of invasive species, and it’s not like it was short on deadly native animals there in the first place.

On Saturday, an escaped kangaroo led authorities on a chase lasting 10 hours. Local authorities eventually got him with a tranquilizer dart, but no one has come forward to claim the beast yet.

That same day, there was a llama running around on the streets of Tallahassee. There’s not much information as to how it got into the city, who owns it, or what happened to it afterward, but police do not tolerate llamas roaming around the state capital without a permit. They cornered and Tazed the sucker.

Fun fact: Both kangaroos and llamas are legal to keep as pets in Florida.