Day: June 5, 2013

Most people aren’t willing to enumerate the positives to people dying. They’re even less willing to do it in writing and publish it on the world’s most preeminent web sites because of how likely you will offend someone who knows someone who just died. I mean, the odds aren’t good: according to some random ass Internet search, 1.8 people die from death every second, so at least one of their relatives will likely stumble upon this article when Googling “inverted nipples” or “how to kill your parents.”

Fortunately, as the author of both those articles, I am not most people.

And that’s why I’m also willing to raise the stakes to explain why it’s good that the world’s most beloved/reviled song-singer is dead. And really, why it’s OK to like Michael Jackson again because he’s dead. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Michael Jackson is safe again

Shark Week 2013 may be approximately 68 days from now, but for Jason Johnston, he’s already getting a head start. A mild-mannered Texas fisherman, Johnston managed to snag a mako shark. Correction: an 11 feet long, 8 feet wide, over 1300 pound, potentially record-breaking monster mako shark. After a long and arduous two hour struggle, beast gave in to the power of man. Victory!

Jason Johnston, we  tip our hat to you. That’s one less monster haunting our waters.

Neil Armstrong only had one line — one line! — when he exited the Apollo 11 lunar lander on July 20, 1969, and according to the recorded record, NASA should have given it to his first understudy, Buzz Aldrin. (Michael Collins had to sit quietly off-camera, pressing buttons as second understudy and head techie.)

As he stepped onto the moon, he was supposed to say, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” However, all everyone heard is “One small step for man,” a flub that destroyed the script writer’s vision of contrasting the actions of a single person with that of the human collective.

That screenwriter, Gary Mitchell, later hanged himself in the background of the sound stage where they filmed it.

But, now that Armstrong is gone, linguists are finally ready to give him the benefit of the doubt and admit that maybe he didn’t botch his big moon-landing line. They now think that Armstrong merely slurred his speech, blending the “for a” in the way that people from Ohio are wont to do, growling it out as “frrr(uh) man.”

The Guys, however, are ready to believe that Neil Armstrong was just drunk. Did you see his moonwalk?

When the robots come for your beer, will you be ready?

In Australia, a cellular (or “mo-be-ulh”) telephone network had an unexplained dead zone in the town of Wangaratta, and no one knew why. So the company, Telstra, sent out software robots to find the source and tracked down the source with the help of humans. Turns out it was a beer fridge giving off just the right frequency of electricity to mess with the network. Obviously, the beer is more important.

Let’s remember, they gave up their guns just a few years ago, and look what happened!