Day: June 6, 2013

I now give you the TLDR review for why I like the Fast and Furious movies. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Fast & Furious 6 (alternate review)’

Allow me to go right ahead and say this: I am part of the problem. I’m one of those mouth-breathing idiots that goes to see the latest Fast and Furious movie within 2 weeks or less of it coming out in theaters. I did it with Fast Five and I’ve done it again with Fast & Furious 6.

Here’s the big secret behind the success of the Fast & Furious franchise: they’re just plain fun. Where most current action franchises are content to pile on CGI action sequences that involve super-powered characters fighting in a blur of images that mean nothing, the Fast & Furious films ground their action scenes in regular folks doing insanely awesome things. Put another way: the latest Star Trek movie is set 300 years in the future and the best it can come up with for an action climax is two guys fighting on top of a truck. Fast & Furious 6 has a sequence where people fight a truck then a tank explodes out of the truck then the tank races down a highway crushing dozens of innocent cars while our heroes have to leap from speeding car to even faster speeding car just to stay alive and that’s just the middle of the movie. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Fast & Furious 6’

There are some of you readers out there who might think that our War on Animals is merely a play on our national pastime of declaring war on ridiculous things, like terror or drugs.

And you would be wrong, because the War on Animals is the War on Drugs and War on Terror. Or, as your red-faced uncle who’s worked as a government contractor for far too long calls it: the War on Narcoterrorism. Well, add another couple of syllables, because squid are engaged in sexu-narco-terror.

Female squid, which reproduce externally in front of God and everybody, have been observed eating free-floating male sperm. Science can’t agree on any one explanation for it, but it’s to possibly sample male semen, Pablo Escobar-style, before agreeing to take on the rest of the “package.” Or, to remove any delicious, yet undesirable suitors from the frothy mix.

One thing is for certain: they can’t get enough of its health properties. Squid semen contains so many nutrients — like Vitamin C, protein and zinc — that biologists are classifying it as a potential new superfood.

So, watch out pomegranates and avocados! There’s competition coming, and good luck keeping it out of your hair.

[Special thanks to Jaime W. for shooting this story across our news desk.]

Luckily though, Soviet Russia no longer exists, because if it did, we’d never get a headline like what we now bring you.

Forget headline of the day. This is at least the headline of our week.

People may make fun of House Speaker John Boehner for being orange, but apparently, former Arkansas Treasurer Martha Shoffner is yellow. Like, Simpsons yellow.

Long-distance runners are crazy. They readily admit this. They keep moving for hours on end and deny themselves the best tasting foods to improve their times. They don’t seem to mind when their toenails fall off and their feet are mostly blisters. (They’re also not into footies.)

But a Minnesota woman training for a half marathon went well beyond this. After a training session, she had some back pain, but decided it would go away. She went to the doctor when it didn’t. Turns out she was in labor and had no idea she was pregnant. She, her husband and three kids welcomes a baby girl this week.

That kid is going to have a serious fear of bouncing.