You Missed It: They can hear us edition

Let's just let the NSA insert a funny image.
Let’s just let the NSA insert a funny image.

I was pretty sad to hear this week that Russian President and all-around-good-guy Vladimir Putin divorced his wife, Lyudmila. If this doesn’t strike a fatal blow for the concept of Russian romanticism, I don’t know what will. We had Camelot in the Kremlin, and now it’s gone. Putin will probably end up cruising for chicks with Bill Clinton and Silvio Berlusconi. If you wondered what the “red wedding” was this week, odds are you missed it.

Somebody’s watching me
It was reported this week that the NSA has had access to and collected personal information and history from Verizon Wireless customers, as well as all the big internet data services. In fact, the NSA has been watching us all for the better part of a decade, and the courts are upholding it all. In other news, I’m very glad that there are entire offices at the NSA reading my work. Thanks, guys!

‘I signed an executive order to keep this bar open’
This week, Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick admitted that the day Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was captured, he went home and got “quite drunk.” It’s incredibly insensitive to say he got bombed. So let’s just say he did the same thing as everyone else in Boston did, if they hadn’t been doing that during their lockdown in the first place. Patrick is a man of the people.

Another old rich person
Gloria Mackenzie of Tallahassee, Florida came forward this week as the winner of the $590-million Powerball jackpot. As you might guess from the fact that her name is “Gloria” and she lives in Florida, she’s 84. Mackenzie wisely went for the lump-sum option of $370 million, rather than the 30 annual payments of the full jackpot. Mackenzie’s caretakers say they are anxious to collect her winnings.