Head injury reveals French secret agent in Tasmania

This is the only speech impediment in the world that reduces the amount of waiter piss in your escargot.
Ms. Rowe suffers from the only speech impediment in the world that actually reduces the amount of waiter piss in your escargot.

Imagine the horror of waking up after an accident to discover that you’re secretly French. That’s the nightmare that a Tasmanian woman has lived for eight years now.

OK, OK, not really. Leanne Rowe was in a car accident where a portion of her brain that controls speech was damaged. The injury and healing created a speech impediment that replaced her Australian accent with what sounds like a French accent, but is just a type of slurring. (This may also explain French accents in French people.)

Her condition is called Foreign Accent Syndrome, which is rare and has affected 62 patients in the past 70 years. In all the cases, not a single one has turned out to be a Bourne Identitied secret agent. But, doctors still advise them to never take a virtual vacation from Rekall. You know, just in case.

No surprise: a burrito that may blow out your colon

You wanna know what’s awesome about being an adult? Having money. Not necessarily having a lot of money, but having more than enough money so that you don’t have to eat the worst kind of food ever. And by that, we’re talking about the vittles found on the Taco Bell menu. We’re scared by the food found there. Maybe it’s meat paste? Maybe it’s not? Well, we could live with meat paste rather than C4.

A New Mexico man decided that the best way to make the voices in his head go away was by calling the FBI and threatening to send a burrito with C4 in it. Given the federal nature of his crime, the voices might be able to go away, as Brian DeMarco was arrested by authorities, where he may very well be sent to a high up-high up prison.

No explosives were found after his arrest, but unfortunately, no chorizo was found either. C’mon DeMarco, if you’re gonna make a burrito, at least use good ingredients.

Oppressed Christians finally win a battle in Texas

If there’s one war that’s silently being fought here in the U.S. (other than the wars on drugs, poverty, crime, animals, robots, aliens, and whatever wars President Barack Obama is secretly fighting against us) it’s the war on Christmas. And with just days until Christmas in July, that war is keenly felt all over the country. Texas Gov. Rick Perry is out to make sure Jesus wins that war.

Perry signed the “Merry Christmas bill,” which allows both students and teachers in public school to say “Merry Christmas” and other religious holiday greetings without fear of reprisal. It also makes it legal to have a Nativity scene or Christmas tree at a public school, as long as there is another religious icon displayed. So congratulations, Buddha, you’re going to be one of the three wise men!

This is a proud day, for surely, the people of Texas, where more than 90% of people who say they are religious are some form of Christian, must have trembled at the thought of the atheist ruling class cracking down on them, especially in a state where the judges say it’s fine for public high school cheerleaders to post Bible quotes on their signs at games.