You Missed It: Rainbow edition

That night, the appletinis flowed like water.
That night, the appletinis flowed like water.

Earlier this week I was in Las Vegas for work. Everyone thought that sounded like such a good gig, traveling to Sin City on the company dime and all, they were wrong. I was there for about 36 hours, and since I live on the East Coast, I spent about 20 hours either in an airport or a plane, thanks to the weather. In short, I had no time to enjoy myself, and even less energy to do it in the first place. One day I will go to Vegas and see what all of the fuss is about. If you were busy filibustering this week, odds are you missed it.

A gay day in Washington
The Supreme Court released another batch of decisions this week, with the biggest news coming from the gay marriage front. In twin rulings, the court in effect struck down California’s ban on gay marriage, as well as the federal Defense of Marriage Act, requiring the government to give its married gay and lesbian employees the same benefits as married heterosexual employees. It was seen as a huge win for gay marriage, and an even bigger one for divorce lawyers.

But how will this affect Tim Tebow?
This week, authorities arrested Aaron Hernandez and charged him with first degree murder in the death of his friend, Odin Lloyd. At the same time, he was released from the New England Patriots. Authorities are also investigating his connection to a double homicide earlier this year. Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite for the 2013 Ray Lewis Award.

Maybe she was just quoting a line from ‘Django’
Paula Deen is seeing her contracts and endorsements slip away one by one after she admitted during a deposition that she has used the “N word” and wanted to host a plantation-style wedding with black waiters dressed up to look like slaves. However, her forthcoming cook book is pre-selling like butter-soaked hotcakes online. Paula Deen’s New Testament will be a collection of recipes for lightened-up foods. Among the helpful tips: “Tell your [redacted] slave to go easy on the butter, sour cream and cheese.”

Bald eagles endanger America

America’s history in the War on Animals is a complicated one.

On the one hand, this country was forged by men and women who killed animals, skinned them, ate their insides and wore their butts on their heads as hats.

On the other, we’ve also embraced animals as symbols for ourselves. We’ve named our worst sports teams after them. Who hasn’t been accused of being a grumpy bear or randy lion? Even our country’s emblem features a bald eagle.

How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like terrorists?
How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like  common terrorists?

We’ve lived with this wartime ambivalence for 237 years. But, now, those very same bald eagles we put on our money and kill with pesticides have forced our hand, making Seattle move their official 4th of July fireworks display because it might scare some baby eagles.

Gee, where did these eaglets learned to be afraid of us? Maybe they learned it at the anti-human summer terrorist camps that their parents send them to.

What anti-human summer terrorist camps, you ask, citizens of Seattle? The ones just waiting to be uncovered if you go ahead with your fireworks as originally scheduled. You’ll probably find other animals there — ones we routinely explode every Fourth — thinking that hanging out with eagles would protect them. Light ’em all up for freedom and mankind.

How do I know you’re not packing?

Fellas, watch out for the women out there. You may not have heard about this, but the ones who shake something other than your hand as a greeting may not actually come to you in honesty, no matter how hard they shake it.

In Oregon, a caretaker was helping a patient move, or something like that, when suddenly, two women pulled up in a truck and called him over. With a seemingly inhuman reach one of the women reached down and greeted the man by grabbing his crotch. Naturally, he was smitten, and agreed to meet for coffee the next day

Naturally, he met with them next the next, and met with them in their car. They tried to coax him out of his debit card PIN, after a long drive, they gave up.

Lesson learned.