Take it from Snee: The pee is for pliability

To justify the filth that follows the jump, here's some fine art.
To justify the filth that follows the jump, here’s some fine art.

As we reported earlier today, you can grow teeth from your urine. OK, so technically, they’re grown from the stem cells found in your urine. But, still. If every debate about stem cells has proven anything, it’s that we’re a lot more concerned with where stem cells come from (looking your way, readers who exist solely because of botched abortions) than what they can actually do.

But, an article from National Geographic lists four other uses for that liquid gold we mistakenly flush or deposit on bar exteriors, including as fuel, medication, compost and a source of potable water. So, that’s one way to use what PBR made in your car and three other ways to get into your mouth, directly or indirectly.

But, those are just the uses that science has approved. Here’s what those researchers missed, just like the guy who managed to whiz all over the toilet seat. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The pee is for pliability

They were bound to read it sooner or later

It's not too surprising that Fifty Shades would be in Gitmo prisoners' wheelhouses.
It’s not too surprising that Fifty Shades would be in Gitmo prisoners’ wheelhouses.

The hot, sweaty book club for Fifty Shades of Grey is bigger than we thought. There at least 166 previously unknown members, and they’re all locked up in Gitmo.

On a recent visit to the Guantanamo detention camp,  U.S. Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., claims to have discovered that the most popular book among the inmates is not the Koran, but the entire Fifty Shades trilogy. So, they’re sort of like Christians who claim that the Bible is their favorite book.

If we hope to ever end the War on Terror, this may be a sure sign that Western hedonism has won the day. That, or over 10 years of indefinite imprisonment and “enhanced interrogations” has turned what were potentially America’s greatest threat into BDSM enthusiasts.

So, victory?

Who would’ve thought that freshwater was bad?

  • Water parks: Their value is middling at best. Sure, they may be a strong source of relief from the heat, but there’s just SO MUCH PEE in the water.
  • Freshwater: It’s not good. There’s a reason why so much emphasis is put on filtering water before you consume it, and that reason is that everything in freshwater (and even salt water) is designed to make you at least feel bad.

Where’d you get those chompers?

Is your grill messed up? Do you not have the cash on hand to get a decent fake teeth installed? Some scientists may have found the answer, and it’s in your bladder right now.

Researchers in China have successfully grown some small teeth-like things using stem cells from urine. (Also, apparently you pee stem cells.) The down side of the urine-born teeth was that they just aren’t as strong as the ones you grew yourself.

They’re also probably yellow.

Eat My Sports: HEEEEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY FOOTBALL!!!

ESPN, the regular, not The Ocho, has been documenting pretty much every move of Heisman Trophy winner, and all-around smug douchebag Johnny Manziel pretty much all-summer. Ever since abandoning all hope on the TimTebow campaign, the network figured, hey, let’s follow around this 20-year-old, alcoholic fame whore.

Well, in the essence of getting what they wanted, the Texas A&M star has melted down in an almost spectacular Justin Bieber/Amanda Bynes-esque fashion. Even to the point where Manziel’s father has been quoted talking about the two Johnnies. It’s a great read, it’s awesome television, but it feels like ESPN is making the story, and making it worse by the coverage.

Manziel’s spotlight grew immensely brighter when the Freshman quarterback knocked off Alabama last year, and then became the first Freshman to win the Heisman. Since that time, ESPN has been detailing the pressures of the spotlight … By applying more pressure from the spotlight.

I’m not saying Manziel’s a bad kid for being a college kid, and developing crutches because people won’t leave him alone, what I’m thinking is ESPN’s relentless coverage of the downfall of Manziel, is almost designed to have this kid fail in epic fashion, even though his fame should really just be starting. Read the article out this week, and pay attention to the SportsCenter and First Take coverage, it’s seemingly pre-ordained to have the kid fail, and it seems like its all for ratings.

Cheap plastic frog, 10 tickets; trip to jail, 0 tickets

Slowly but surely, Chuck E. Cheese has changed from being a place for kids and horrible pizza to a place for adults to take part in near knockdown, drag-out fights. And horrible pizza.

A tradition, like none other, continues.

In Brookfield, Wisconsin, a super fight took place at the place where a kid can be a kid. While only two women who were more than old enough to know better were arrested, it’s believed that as many as 20 adults took part in a fight, theorized to have originated due to a kid taking too long to choose between prizes.

It’s okay, kid. It’s not your fault. Having to choose between a Chinese finger trap and a tiny plastic tree frog is a choice that no one should have to make.

Chug your coffee right now, thank us later

Coffee is pretty awesome. It’s definitely not as awesome as booze, but it’s up there. And it goes great with water the morning of your hangover. Now it turns out that coffee just might keep you from killing yourself.

We already knew that coffee could keep you from dying of cancer, but now researchers at Harvard University found in a study that adults who drank two to four cups of caffeinated coffee per day were 50% less likely to commit suicide than their friends who don’t drink coffee (the preachy ones), drink fewer than two cups per day (the lightweights) or drank decaffeinated coffee (the quitters).

The McBournie Minute: Release the blimps of war

I may have said this in the past, but living in D.C. is to live with constant danger. There is a constant threat that we could be attacked at any time, in any way. Or at least that’s what they keep telling us when the Department of Homeland Security needs to buy more tanks. I have adapted to this by taking thorough survival notes from episodes of The Walking Dead. (Rule #1, Let children wander off all the time.)

It’s because of this terrible threat posed by terrorists, or North Korea, or something, that we need to get more creative in how we ensure that our nation’s capital is safe, and to ensure that its government is able to continue spinning its wheels. That means we need to take to the skies.

That’s why I’m glad that Washington, D.C. will be patrolled by a fleet of blimps some time next year. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Release the blimps of war

MLK, Jr. no longer a human metronome

"And if you must call me a drum major, here's a photo of me pretending to conduct 'Louie, Louie.'"
“And if you must call me a drum major, here’s a photo of me pretending to conduct ‘Louie, Louie.'”

Work began today to remove a “quote” from the recently erected Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial in Washington, D.C. today. The artist, Lei Yixin, originally applied the Fox News method of quotation; that is, taking …

Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice; say that I was a drum major for peace; I was a drum major for righteousness.

… and encapsulating it into a rage-inducing headline …

I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness.

(So, yes, he wanted to say that, Dr. King.)

But now that the side will be replaced, Dr. King will no longer be a drum major. And just to be safe, the U.S. National Park Service will also revoke forthwith any letters he may have earned in high school band. It’s the only way to be sure.