Take it from Snee: And you thought the Internet was no good

Just like with the printing press and television, we knew that the Internet was going to change the way the world works. And by change, we meant destroy the very fabric of society, leaving those unfortunate souls who remain shambling around alone into signposts, staring into their pamphlet/portable TV/iPhone.

Good grief, I can barely drink and drive in a straight line as it is.
Good grief, I can barely drink and drive in a straight line as it is.

And, for the most, part, yeah, that’s the way things turned out. In fact, I’m writing this very post while I’m driving. (Calm down, I’m dictating it to my secretary. I can’t write, steer and hold this wine glass. That would be irresponsible — everyone knows how easily Chateau Lafite bruises.)

But, here’s the thing: while, yes, the Internet is a distraction at best and providing a platform to the worst people at worst, it’s also changed some of the old ways we do things for the better.

So, let’s ignore that I am, in fact, one of those worst people from the previous sentence and give thanks for what the Information Superhighway (remember that s**t?) has done for us lately. Continue reading Take it from Snee: And you thought the Internet was no good

The Spillpocalypse has returned

Spills. It seemed like, for the most part, we were done with them. No more worries about driving on the road with the exception of me. It was going to be a halcyon period for driving.

A truck driver in Oklahoma City thought otherwise.

Whether it was neglect or the weather, the end result was the same: over 40 thousand pounds of chicken nuggets made their way from the semi-truck to the pavement.

Someone reset the “Days Without An Unusual Truck Spill” counter back to zero.

FOLLOW-UP: National Zoo locks down exhibits

Zookeepers acknowledged that what they had there was failure to communicate. "Some pandas you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men."
Zookeepers acknowledged that what they had there was failure to communicate. “Some pandas you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last month, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don’t like it any more than you men.”

After the escape of Rusty, the red panda menace of Adams Morgan, officials at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. stated that they have locked down their exhibits. The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s investigation discovered the means of Rusty’s escape, and the zoo enacted measures to make sure it never happens again.

So, how did a dangerous animal gain access to our nation’s capital, threatening our entire government and way of life? By enlisting the aid of animals’ greatest ally in the War on Animals: trees. While red pandas can’t jump (making them the white people of pandas), they can climb like the Dickens. A conveniently lowered branch over its water moat gave Rusty the boost he needed to take D.C. by storm.

The zoo has scaled back his plant allies, reenforced walls and added a “hotwire” barrier above the wall. So, if Rusty chooses to escape again, he’ll have to get past our greatest ally: electricity.

Yep, as long as the power never goes out, droughts don’t happen, and bamboo stops growing like weeds, we can all rest easy.

The stork is coming — to damage your property

As the summer heats up, so does the War on Animals. In the European theater, a German village is under attack by an invading force.

A stork has landed in the village and has begun to attack anything that has a shiny surface. It pecks as car doors and windows, and even goes after glass doors on homes. The so-called “experts” would say that the bird sees its reflection and thinks it’s a rival, but we know that it does this because it knows it can wear down the village economically. By playing the long game, this bird hopes the Germans will surrender.

Nice try, stork. Try France.