Horny otters now attacking humans

Back in February, we told you that otter penises were shrinking due to pollution. In theory, that should’ve been the last time that we had to talk about the beasts.

Apparently, not so much.

A woman in Montana was attacked — ATTACKED — by one of those horrid little beasts. While floating down the Madison River, Sydney Sainsbury was suddenly waylaid by an otter. The rodent clawed, scratched and bit her all over her body.

No reason was given for the attack. Completely unprovoked. We can only assume that due to their shrinking nards, the otters have begun to attempt to take our women. Don’t let this happen, human race.

Homemade blowguns: fun for ages 18 and up

Kids! There's bright shiny tomorrow awaiting you if you do not inhale.
Kids! There’s bright shiny tomorrow awaiting you if you do not inhale.

Every year around this time, news enters what’s known as the Slow News Cycle. This is when the media their current batch of unpaid interns invent a bogus trend out of something some teen did somewhere while bored. Previous years ushered warnings of drinking vodka through your eyes, sex orgies based on colored bracelets and last year’s Number One Scourge: buttchugging.

This year, the biggest, most grave concern for our future teachers, law enforcement and — dare we say it — presidents is the homemade blowdart gun. Or, more to the point (ah!), accidentally inhaling the dart before shooting it.

So far, three entire teenagers have swallowed darts that got lodged in their throats. Fortunately, the current “craze” only concerns blowdarts and not raising dart frogs to poison coat the tips. So it could have been much funnier, people.

If you suspect your or somebody else’s teen of inhaling blowdarts, do not attempt to hold them upside-down by the ankles and shake the dart out. Also, do not hook an air compressor to their anus and attempt to blow the dart back out as this could put anyone in range in danger. The best thing you can do is take them to the ER and post pictures of them online for your friends. That should shame ’em.