The McBournie Minute: Release the blimps of war

I may have said this in the past, but living in D.C. is to live with constant danger. There is a constant threat that we could be attacked at any time, in any way. Or at least that’s what they keep telling us when the Department of Homeland Security needs to buy more tanks. I have adapted to this by taking thorough survival notes from episodes of The Walking Dead. (Rule #1, Let children wander off all the time.)

It’s because of this terrible threat posed by terrorists, or North Korea, or something, that we need to get more creative in how we ensure that our nation’s capital is safe, and to ensure that its government is able to continue spinning its wheels. That means we need to take to the skies.

That’s why I’m glad that Washington, D.C. will be patrolled by a fleet of blimps some time next year.

The Defense Department announced that a couple Raytheon JLENS blimps will be deployed next year to track moving threats, and probably identify when there’s good kite-flying weather. Now, you’re probably thinking, “So what? They have Goodyear blimps fly over most major sporting events so get pointless aerial shots used for B-roll.” But that’s not true of D.C.

The Goodyear blimp isn’t allowed in Washington because it’s restricted airspace. It’s also because we Beltway insiders keenly remember the crash of the Hindenberg, which Led Zeppelin cautioned us against on their first album cover. We didn’t listen, and look what happened. It was a deadly prediction not equaled until rap group The Coop’s planned release of its album “Party Music” in 2001. (That last one really happened.)

We realize that D.C. airspace is no place for commercial blimpery. It’s best left in the hands of the government, who will fill it with unmanned flying death machines and their inflatable buddies.

The news of these watchful blimp eyes could not come at a better time. Last week, someone threw green paint on the Lincoln Memorial, and today we learned that more green paint has been found on a statue outside the Smithsonian, and on an organ in the National Cathedral. Good god, they’re even wiping out a quote entirely from the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial!

It’s like these landmarks are wearing fur or something. There’s no doubt that this all presents a threat to the public. Who knows how many people who likely witnessed these brutal attacks on immobile objects could have ended up as victims themselves. I say send up the blimps now and let’s track down these bastards.

While we’re at it, we should also launch missiles at these people. You’re not going to hurt anything if you miss. The Federal Highway Administration just determined that nearly 97% of Washington’s streets are in poor condition, anyway.