Eat My Sports: HEEEEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY FOOTBALL!!!

ESPN, the regular, not The Ocho, has been documenting pretty much every move of Heisman Trophy winner, and all-around smug douchebag Johnny Manziel pretty much all-summer. Ever since abandoning all hope on the TimTebow campaign, the network figured, hey, let’s follow around this 20-year-old, alcoholic fame whore.

Well, in the essence of getting what they wanted, the Texas A&M star has melted down in an almost spectacular Justin Bieber/Amanda Bynes-esque fashion. Even to the point where Manziel’s father has been quoted talking about the two Johnnies. It’s a great read, it’s awesome television, but it feels like ESPN is making the story, and making it worse by the coverage.

Manziel’s spotlight grew immensely brighter when the Freshman quarterback knocked off Alabama last year, and then became the first Freshman to win the Heisman. Since that time, ESPN has been detailing the pressures of the spotlight … By applying more pressure from the spotlight.

I’m not saying Manziel’s a bad kid for being a college kid, and developing crutches because people won’t leave him alone, what I’m thinking is ESPN’s relentless coverage of the downfall of Manziel, is almost designed to have this kid fail in epic fashion, even though his fame should really just be starting. Read the article out this week, and pay attention to the SportsCenter and First Take coverage, it’s seemingly pre-ordained to have the kid fail, and it seems like its all for ratings.

Cheap plastic frog, 10 tickets; trip to jail, 0 tickets

Slowly but surely, Chuck E. Cheese has changed from being a place for kids and horrible pizza to a place for adults to take part in near knockdown, drag-out fights. And horrible pizza.

A tradition, like none other, continues.

In Brookfield, Wisconsin, a super fight took place at the place where a kid can be a kid. While only two women who were more than old enough to know better were arrested, it’s believed that as many as 20 adults took part in a fight, theorized to have originated due to a kid taking too long to choose between prizes.

It’s okay, kid. It’s not your fault. Having to choose between a Chinese finger trap and a tiny plastic tree frog is a choice that no one should have to make.

Chug your coffee right now, thank us later

Coffee is pretty awesome. It’s definitely not as awesome as booze, but it’s up there. And it goes great with water the morning of your hangover. Now it turns out that coffee just might keep you from killing yourself.

We already knew that coffee could keep you from dying of cancer, but now researchers at Harvard University found in a study that adults who drank two to four cups of caffeinated coffee per day were 50% less likely to commit suicide than their friends who don’t drink coffee (the preachy ones), drink fewer than two cups per day (the lightweights) or drank decaffeinated coffee (the quitters).