As we reported earlier today, you can grow teeth from your urine. OK, so technically, they’re grown from the stem cells found in your urine. But, still. If every debate about stem cells has proven anything, it’s that we’re a lot more concerned with where stem cells come from (looking your way, readers who exist solely because of botched abortions) than what they can actually do.
But, an article from National Geographic lists four other uses for that liquid gold we mistakenly flush or deposit on bar exteriors, including as fuel, medication, compost and a source of potable water. So, that’s one way to use what PBR made in your car and three other ways to get into your mouth, directly or indirectly.
But, those are just the uses that science has approved. Here’s what those researchers missed, just like the guy who managed to whiz all over the toilet seat.
Marking your stuff
If you’re a pet owner — and, no, fish don’t count because that’s just an underwater ant farm — then you’ve already witnessed the precedent for marking things that don’t really belong to you.
Dogs do it to trees on public ground because they don’t understand how taxes and our park system work. Cats do it to everything you own because they’re all secretly reincarnated ex-wives. Jack Nicholson did it once in a movie because he was becoming a werewolf, but that was probably ad-libbed because he really wanted James Spader’s shoes.
So, if you’re tired of being pissed on, trying pissing everyone else off … by pissing on their stuff. I just took back two comforters, a hat and — just to really prove who’s boss — a litter box from my cats.
Winning an Oscar
It’s basically assumed that if you’re a male actor and cry convincingly on-screen, then you’re practically guaranteed an Oscar nomination. And if Daniel Day-Lewis didn’t cry that year, then there’s a solid chance you’ll win. (And Peter O’Toole will go back home winless, yet again.)
But, what if there’s a sneakier way to win with another liquid? Despite their best efforts, Day-Lewis and Nicholson can’t win every year. That’s the niche Tom Hanks carved out for himself like peeing the icicles off an outhouse seat, garnering five nominations for either best lead or supporting actor (and winning twice), several of which were for movies where he peed on-screen. (Seriously, Jack O’Brien broke this down already on Cracked.)
He won Best Actor in Forrest Gump, a film where he tells JFK that he has to pee after drinking too many Dr. Peppers, followed by a less necessary shot where he’s looking at pictures in the Oval Office bathroom while peeing.
Apollo 13 was nominated for nine Academy Awards and won two. It also featured Hanks as Mission Commander Jim Lovell peeing into a tube and then venting that pee into space.
Hanks was nominated for Best Actor for his performance in Saving Private Ryan, which included telling his platoon about a kid back home that “used to piss V’s on everyone’s jackets.”
And in The Green Mile, Hanks plays a character who spends half the movie grimacing while attempting to pee through the galaxy’s biggest field of kidney stones outside of the asteroid belt between Hoth and the Anoat system. Don’t worry, it ends with him finally being able to do it and his look of orgasmic relief. (Oh. Um, spoiler alert.) The entire movie, peeing and all, was nominated for four Oscars, but the 15 total minutes of peeing time was a bridge too far for Academy members, actually winning none.
For some reason, people are convinced that urine can cure athlete’s foot, jellyfish stings, acne and a stale sex life. Of course it can’t. But, chances are pretty good that, if somebody you know believes in the healing powers of pee-pee, then their stupidity has probably offended you in other ways as well.
So, if they happen to stumble into foot fungus or tangle with a Portuguese man o’ war and demand your hot, steamy genital juice, let them have it. It’s not every day you get revenge and the victim thanks you for it. That’s some Salieri s**t right there.
(If you think that’s low-brow, you should read some of Mozart’s personal letters. Let’s just agree that all geniuses truck in poop jokes.)
And if the person you’re looking to secretly chastise hasn’t run either afoul of cnidocysts or enough to get athlete’s foot, then may I suggest serving them a Boilertaker.
A cocktail based on what the boilermaker took after Happy Hour.
- 1 to 1.5 ounces of whiskey poured in a shot glass
- A tall pint glass full of your urine
Serve the two glasses to your guest, instructing them to drop the shot into what they believe is beer — but is actually Fosters — and then chug the whole thing. You will do the same, only with actual beer. Or wait. Was that the Fosters? S**t.