You Missed It: Masked man edition

"I look bitchin' in a cowl. Admit it."
“I look bitchin’ in a cowl. Admit it.”

This summer has been kind of a disappointment, hasn’t it? Pretty much every major movie release was a flop, and the best ones struggled to break even. “Blurred Lines,” what many call the song of the summer, may have been lifted from a song from the 1970s, plus, it’s by the son of actor Alan Thicke, which is just weird. We haven’t even had a decent hurricane to complain about so far this year. I want a refund. If you were busy worrying about what a CEO looks like in Vogue magazine, odds are you missed it.

Gotham City is now Boston
The internet was set ablaze when it was announced that Ben Affleck will be the next Batman in the sequel to this year’s Man of Steel. Pretty much everyone hated the idea that Affleck who has written, starred in and directed some critically-acclaimed movies in reason years, would play the Caped Crusader. But they always say that. People said Val Kilmer couldn’t be Batman, didn’t they?

Everyone goes there this time of year
This week, it was discovered that a man had been living in Jennifer Lopez’s unoccupied house in the Hamptons without being discovered for six days. The man, who claimed to be Lopez’s ex-husband, holed up in the mansion’s pool house and posted things on his Facebook account declaring his love for the singer/actress. He went unnoticed by security staff, even though his car was parked out front. The only thing that got him out was the news that he was cast as the next Batman.

Return of the walrus
Even though it’s pretty much illegal everywhere, the owner of one of John Lennon’s teeth has handed over his prize in hopes that scientists will be able to clone the dead Beatle. If it did work, the Lennon clone would not have any of the original’s memories, skills or philosophies. They should clone Ringo next, there’s no way he could hit the life jackpot twice in a row, right?

Turtleneck season opens

Once those babies' pubes grow in, this is what 60 percent of Western penises will look like in 20 years.
Once those babies’ pubes grow in, this is what 60 percent of Western penises will look like in 20 years.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reports that the U.S. circumcision rate has dropped significantly since its all-time high in 1979. While over half of all boys born in the U.S. were circumcised, only 40 percent got shafted Western states like Arizona, California, Oregon and Washington. And you know how these trends go: what’s hip in California will be derided by old people until they die and it becomes the new normal.

So, how did we return to pre-1979 levels of peniscaping? The last time we, as a nation, had foreskin, were knee-deep in fuel shortages, an economic slump, turbulence in the Middle East and a Democrat president that gave conservatives the rage shivers. It appears that the nation has traveled in a full circle, much like the expert cutting of a mohel.

Or, we can just blame hipsters and their selective anachronisms. Look for this accusation on a cover of Time or Newsweek near you.

Zombie pigeons: The flocking dead

"Breaaaaaad."
“Breaaaaaad.”

When we look back on how the zombie apocalypse happened, we may find out that it all began on the streets of Moscow. Not even the iron fist of Vladimir Putin was able to stop it, because he doesn’t control the pigeons.

“Zombie” pigeons are walking through the city, and they just might be coming for you, comrade. The normally skittish birds are walking around despondent. They don’t fly away when someone walks by. They have their heads down, and they don’t seem to notice anything else. In other words, it’s like they’re on their smartphones.

Scientists believe the birds have Newcastle disease, which causes them to lose their sense of direction and balance before they die. The worst part is that scientists say it can transferred to humans.

Turkish bodybuilder boards Angela Merkel’s plane, has a party

If you’re a head of state, you expect your plane to be pretty secure, right? It’s not like Air Force One is just left unguarded. That thing’s watched 24 hours a day. German Chancellor Angela Merkel doesn’t have that kind of luxury.

It recently came to light that in late July, a Turkish bodybuilder high on ecstasy and marijuana, snuck on to Merkel’s plane as it sat abandoned one night at the Cologne airport. He then stripped down to his underwear, sprayed the fire extinguisher everywhere, hit random buttons in the cockpit, released that cool inflatable slide thing, and even danced on the wing.

Dude, Oktoberfest isn’t until late September.

Drink like an athlete

australian-gatoradeDo you get easily bored during exercise? If only someone had developed a product that you can drink that makes mundane activities like family reunions and bowling more exciting. If only …

Australian scientists knew the answer to our rhetorical question before we could even ask it. They’ve developed a beer with electrolytes — or, what plants crave — that rehydrates both you and your liver.  (Bonus: it’s a light beer, so you won’t accidentally bulk up on it, ladies.)

Testing showed that, out of four beers, it was the best at hydrating you after a workout. This is pretty much how The Guys choose anything: what’s the best option for rehydration? Uh-huh, Gatorade, right. And what’s the best option on tap?

Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link.

Teaching cybersecurity at a young age

Don’t have kids. No, really, don’t. We’re talking to you, dear reader. None of The Guys have children, and we live happily empty lives. Not convinced?

Not only are children a drain on your bank account from before they are even born, they are a threat to your privacy. A couple in Houston found that out when someone hacked into their baby monitor and used it against them. In the middle of the night, they awoke to find someone yelling at their two-year-old. Then, when the camera turned and saw the parents enter the room, it started yelling at them, too. (Sidebar: When did baby monitors go online? When did they get cameras? And why would they have an audio feed into the kid’s room?)

If a random person can access your baby monitor, you can bet your Facebook profile that the NSA can, too. And no one wants them raising their kids.

Once again, don’t have children. That is all.

CIA rents ‘Liar Liar’ and things get weird

The CIA may have given up on secrecy after never getting the Cone of Silence to work properly.
The CIA may have given up on secrecy after never getting the Cone of Silence to work properly.

The CIA has starting dispensing secrets out of nowhere. First, they admitted that Area 51 really is a thing. Then, they confessed to spying on Noam Chomsky, but only because his name sounds like former General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union Leonid Brezhnev’s sexting alias.

Now, they’ve acknowledged that, yes, they did take part in the 1953 Iran coup against left-leaning Prime Minister Mohammed Mosaddegh, replacing their democratically elected leader with an autocratic Shah and a foreign council of oil tycoons. Or, in other words, why Iran really, really hates us. (Turns out it wasn’t for “our freedom.”)

So, why tell us all this now? Is the CIA dying of cancer and now they’re trying to get into Administrative Heaven? Did they open a eerily specific fortune cookie that restored their childlike sense of wonder and honesty? Or, are they telling us all this so that they can finally kill us after years of teasing us about it?

The Pet Offensive

People, get your guns, your swords, your boxing gloves. Have them at the ready. Sleep with them. Eat with them. Poop with them. No matter what, be prepared to take arms at a moment’s notice. There’s no better sign than this: the war is on.