The McBournie Minute: A whopper of a shark

Shark Week is back on Discovery, or the Discover Channel, or whatever they’re calling themselves these days. Which is great, because we need more high-definition, super-slow-motion footage of sharks jumping out of the water.

Last night, things got kicked off with a documentary about the hunt for a huge shark that was blamed for the sinking of a ship off the coast of South Africa. It followed the expedition as they devised and implemented new ways to hunt down the massive shark, thought to be a descendant, or even a living specimen, of the megalodon, which has been extinct for millions of years. It was fairly entertaining.

Then you realized that the whole thing was fake. Discovery kicked off it’s series of factual documentaries about sharks with a mockumentary about an animal that doesn’t exist. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A whopper of a shark

Tastes like ambivalence

It was smart to sample the first lab-grown burger in England, where there is no existing good food to compare it with.
It was smart to sample the first lab-grown burger in England, where there is no existing good food to compare it with.

OK, so the world’s first lab-grown hamburgers (which contain neither ham nor former Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, William Burger, but that’s important right now) were taste-tested. And the results seem to be a resounding “less horrible than we expected.”

As the Supreme Commanders of the Human Army in the War on Animals, The Guys just can’t figure out how we feel about this.

On the one hand, growing meat from cells means that we no longer have to coddle certain species of the enemy just because they eventually become steak and bacon. We can finally wipe out all animals and let the Big Grocer in the Sky sort them all out.

But, if it weren’t for animal-slaughtered meat, most people wouldn’t be on board with our cause anyway. It’s one thing to support killing chickens just for their wings because they go great with bleu cheese. It’s another, however, to kill them just for the sake of watching feathers fly out of a wood chipper.

So, even though we weren’t invited to the burger tasting, The Guys can give our official review without trying a bite: the whole thing tastes like ambivalence.

Bad news from the New York animal war front

People, I’m afraid that I have some bad news. It would appear that we have lost the parks of New York.

  • And in Central Park, raccoons have begun attacking people! A woman claims that she was attacked by a pair of the forest’s thieves. Taraka Larson was taking an evening constitutional when a duo of the oversized rats besieged her, clawing and biting at her legs. This is serious, as Larson required 15 shots to stave off the possibility of rabies.

We can’t lose New York City, as it’s the greatest city on the planet, but we may just have to be complete and total in our attempts to win the war. Even if we lose it, despite the continuing argument between Chicago and Boston as to which city will take over the title, have no fear: even in death, NYC will be the greatest city on the planet, or at least forever better than Chicago and Boston.

Clear and pizza danger

One of the most dangerous threats to law enforcement out there today isn’t a weapon, it’s round and covered with cheese.

A deputy in Orange County, California is being accused of pepper-spraying a teen’s pizza. A teenager has claimed that Deputy Juan Tavera contaminated his food during a traffic stop last September. The pepper spray went unnoticed, so when the teen got home, he and his friends became ill after eating the pizza.

It is likely that Tavera had no choice after the pizza made a threatening move at him.