Day: August 8, 2013

To observe the first anniversary of Curiosity landing on Mars, Mattel and NASA have teamed up to outfit another inanimate object for her own mission to the red planet. Mars Explorer Barbie will come with a pink-lined spacesuit, pink space helmet and pink space pack, which may or may not be filled with pink air.

The designers have not confirmed whether the suit will come with restraints for Barbie’s abnormally large boobs for the zero-G trip to Mars, but it definitely doesn’t come with a diaper since she doesn’t have a urethra. Also, the boots had to be modified to accommodate her feet that have been disfigured from wearing nothing but high heels for over 50 years.

But the most startling aspect of the design is that Barbie’s hands are uncovered. This indicates that they are impervious to Mars’ average temperature of negative 80 degrees Fahrenheit and high levels of radiation.

So, now we know what happened to Ken’s penis.

In Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell wrote a passage in the book (as written by a character):

Thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime is death.

Winston Smith has never been more right about Turkey. Not Britain, Turkey.

Engineers working for a Turkish defense company died under the grounds that they were originally suicides. A report by the Inspection Board of the Prime Ministry suggests that telepathy may have caused the deaths. As in, the act of reading (or in this case, controlling) someone’s mind.

Congratulations, governments of the world: you’ve now made the unreal real.

It’s Shark Week, and to celebrate it, we’re throwing dead sharks in New York subway cars. (Oh, you celebrate it by watching TV? Cool story!) But how do the sharks celebrate?

By going after humans, of course.

You could say nature has it out for Erik Norrie. He was spearfishing grouper in the Bahamas when a shark bit his leg. He’s now recovering in a hospital in Florida, and he able to walk. However, it’s not the first bite he’s survived. Norrie has also been bitten by a rattlesnake and been bitten by monkeys two different times. (Don’t scroll down.) Oh, and he’s been struck by lightning.

There’s a thin line between poor life choices and bravery, and we know which side he’s on. Mr. Norrie, we salute you.