People like getting mail but not mail sand

It’s a fact: if you have a strip club, promotion is key. Sometimes, the more unique your approach, the better. Sometimes, the more unique your approach, the odder to understand.

Sending sand in the mail definitely falls in the latter category. Actually, scratch that. It falls into a category of its own: Nnnnnnnnnhhhhh.

The Baltimore chapter of Scores decided to have an end of summer luau. Why not? Luaus are awesome and if the leis are removed, then even better! To promote the event, the club mailed invitations covered in craft store sand to those on their mailing list.

Craft store sand is very particulate-esque and white. You know what’s also white and scares people when it comes in the mail?

♪ Rush loves Ashton! Rush loves Ashton! ♫

Wait a minute ... Actor? Handsome? Known for playing roles with chimp-like Sean William Scott? My god, they've found a new Reagan.
Wait a minute … Actor? Handsome? Known for playing roles with chimp-like Seann William Scott? My god, they’ve found a new Reagan.

Glenn Beck’s soft, s**ty Web site and Rush Limbaugh each respectively creamed their plus-sized panties over Ashton Kutcher’s acceptance speech at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards on Sunday. While receiving the award for Ultimate Choice, he explained to the audience of excited preteens and bored, tired parents that, “I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work,” and not to bemoan working s**ty jobs because “opportunities look a lot like work.”

Limbaugh dedicated an entire hour of his radio show (brought to you by …?) to the speech, explaining that, while Kutcher is a California Democrat — the most dangerous kind! — these are the kind of statements you won’t hear “from presidential or political leadership” — even though this was the very thesis of Obama’s book, Dreams from my Father, a book that El Rushbo and the like have claimed to read since 2008.

That’s not Rush’s and Beck’s fault, though. They just can’t hear you unless you’re a white male who overcame adversity by transitioning from modeling into acting.

Turn your water into beer

Do you hate the way water tastes? Do you find yourself thinking, “Hey, that flying, fatass Tracy Morgan yelling at me makes sense. I should add some random liquid into my water to fill it with sugar and other stuff that’s not actually the point of drinking water”? Do you hate sobriety? In September, your world is about to change for the better.

That’s when Alaska-based Pat’s Backcountry Beverages is going to offer concentrated beer. Yes, beer that just needs water. Stir it into a pint of water, drop in the powder mix for carbonation, and you have yourself either a black IPA or pale ale. No word on what the alcohol by volume is, but for just $10 you can get yourself a four-pack.

For extra fun, substitute vodka for water.