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You Missed It: Vacation edition

"You're a drain on taxpayer dollars. Yes you are, yes you are!"
“You’re a drain on taxpayer dollars. Yes you are, yes you are!”

Well, great. My fantastical conspiracy theories that I spend every waking hour backing up with selective evidence are getting shot to hell, one by one. Unclassified documents have named Area 51 as actually existing for the first time ever. It’s where they tested the U-2 spy plane, and there so far nothing about aliens. Wait a minute, Area 51 … U-2, U-2 is a band, a band that takes its name from the spy plane, the spy plane was developed at Area 51, aliens are at Area 51. Bono is an alien! This explains why their last tour was space-themed! If you were busy coming out as a gay WWE wrestler this week, odds are you missed it.

Bad dog
The first dog, Bo Obama, a lazy anagram for “Am A Boob,” found himself in the cross hairs of controversy this week, when he took his own flight to Martha’s Vineyard on an MV-22 Osprey, better known as one of those weird planes that take off like a helicopter, to we civilians. Critics pointed to transporting the first dog on such a vehicle as a symbol of excess as the Obamas started their vacation. I think it’s obvious they’re just after Bo because he’s black.

Former L.A. Raiders fans, get your costumes out
The NFL has gotten too corporate. It’s no longer about the fans, it’s all about the money and the investors and the sponsors. At least that’s what Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley say. That’s why they’re partnering with the Arena Football League to bring a team to Los Angeles, called, wait for it, the L.A. KISS. “The whole idea of an alternative to what has perhaps become a corporate sport is very intriguing, and resonates with us,” said Stanley in an actual quote. Because nothing says “we’re not in it for the money” like anything associated with KISS.

The crown comes with a price
Cassidy Wolf, the newly crowned Miss Teen USA said this week that she was the victim of an extortion plot and is working with police. She said someone in an anonymous email claimed to have pictures of her and demanded that she send nude photos. In other news, I just want to be friends with you!

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