CIA rents ‘Liar Liar’ and things get weird

The CIA may have given up on secrecy after never getting the Cone of Silence to work properly.
The CIA may have given up on secrecy after never getting the Cone of Silence to work properly.

The CIA has starting dispensing secrets out of nowhere. First, they admitted that Area 51 really is a thing. Then, they confessed to spying on Noam Chomsky, but only because his name sounds like former General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union Leonid Brezhnev’s sexting alias.

Now, they’ve acknowledged that, yes, they did take part in the 1953 Iran coup against left-leaning Prime Minister Mohammed Mosaddegh, replacing their democratically elected leader with an autocratic Shah and a foreign council of oil tycoons. Or, in other words, why Iran really, really hates us. (Turns out it wasn’t for “our freedom.”)

So, why tell us all this now? Is the CIA dying of cancer and now they’re trying to get into Administrative Heaven? Did they open a eerily specific fortune cookie that restored their childlike sense of wonder and honesty? Or, are they telling us all this so that they can finally kill us after years of teasing us about it?

The Pet Offensive

People, get your guns, your swords, your boxing gloves. Have them at the ready. Sleep with them. Eat with them. Poop with them. No matter what, be prepared to take arms at a moment’s notice. There’s no better sign than this: the war is on.

That bombshell may have an actual bomb

It’s time we were all afraid of women with large breasts. There’s a sentence we never thought we’d write.

At London’s Heathrow Airport is genuinely nervous that there may be suicide bombers willing to get breast implants with bombs inside. The thinking is that this would allow the terrorists to get through security scanners without being detected. They could then set off the explosives on planes.

So, we don’t want to be alarmists, but if you see a woman with large breasts, report it to the authorities.