You Missed It: Masked man edition

"I look bitchin' in a cowl. Admit it."
“I look bitchin’ in a cowl. Admit it.”

This summer has been kind of a disappointment, hasn’t it? Pretty much every major movie release was a flop, and the best ones struggled to break even. “Blurred Lines,” what many call the song of the summer, may have been lifted from a song from the 1970s, plus, it’s by the son of actor Alan Thicke, which is just weird. We haven’t even had a decent hurricane to complain about so far this year. I want a refund. If you were busy worrying about what a CEO looks like in Vogue magazine, odds are you missed it.

Gotham City is now Boston
The internet was set ablaze when it was announced that Ben Affleck will be the next Batman in the sequel to this year’s Man of Steel. Pretty much everyone hated the idea that Affleck who has written, starred in and directed some critically-acclaimed movies in reason years, would play the Caped Crusader. But they always say that. People said Val Kilmer couldn’t be Batman, didn’t they?

Everyone goes there this time of year
This week, it was discovered that a man had been living in Jennifer Lopez’s unoccupied house in the Hamptons without being discovered for six days. The man, who claimed to be Lopez’s ex-husband, holed up in the mansion’s pool house and posted things on his Facebook account declaring his love for the singer/actress. He went unnoticed by security staff, even though his car was parked out front. The only thing that got him out was the news that he was cast as the next Batman.

Return of the walrus
Even though it’s pretty much illegal everywhere, the owner of one of John Lennon’s teeth has handed over his prize in hopes that scientists will be able to clone the dead Beatle. If it did work, the Lennon clone would not have any of the original’s memories, skills or philosophies. They should clone Ringo next, there’s no way he could hit the life jackpot twice in a row, right?

Turtleneck season opens

Once those babies' pubes grow in, this is what 60 percent of Western penises will look like in 20 years.
Once those babies’ pubes grow in, this is what 60 percent of Western penises will look like in 20 years.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reports that the U.S. circumcision rate has dropped significantly since its all-time high in 1979. While over half of all boys born in the U.S. were circumcised, only 40 percent got shafted Western states like Arizona, California, Oregon and Washington. And you know how these trends go: what’s hip in California will be derided by old people until they die and it becomes the new normal.

So, how did we return to pre-1979 levels of peniscaping? The last time we, as a nation, had foreskin, were knee-deep in fuel shortages, an economic slump, turbulence in the Middle East and a Democrat president that gave conservatives the rage shivers. It appears that the nation has traveled in a full circle, much like the expert cutting of a mohel.

Or, we can just blame hipsters and their selective anachronisms. Look for this accusation on a cover of Time or Newsweek near you.

Zombie pigeons: The flocking dead

"Breaaaaaad."
“Breaaaaaad.”

When we look back on how the zombie apocalypse happened, we may find out that it all began on the streets of Moscow. Not even the iron fist of Vladimir Putin was able to stop it, because he doesn’t control the pigeons.

“Zombie” pigeons are walking through the city, and they just might be coming for you, comrade. The normally skittish birds are walking around despondent. They don’t fly away when someone walks by. They have their heads down, and they don’t seem to notice anything else. In other words, it’s like they’re on their smartphones.

Scientists believe the birds have Newcastle disease, which causes them to lose their sense of direction and balance before they die. The worst part is that scientists say it can transferred to humans.