The McBournie Minute: This is not about ‘Breaking Bad’

When I was a year or so out of college, I got the news that one of my friends had gotten engaged. My world changed that minute. Suddenly, I didn’t live in a world where everyone just dated and fought and broke up. Some of these people began planning for something bigger than the coming weekend. I could never look at relationships, be they mine or someone else’s, in the same terms ever again.

An older coworker told me that it was the beginning of something more significant. She foretold that marriage would sweep through my group of college friends like a plague. She may not have used that exact simile, but her point was that it would happen in rapid succession at some point. For the most part, she was right. Before I got engaged earlier this year (stop clapping, I can’t hear it), I was one of the last single holdouts.

I’ve just completed week two or four weddings in four weeks. I’ve noticed a lot of similarities. I realize this makes me the only blogger today not talking about the finale of Breaking Bad. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: This is not about ‘Breaking Bad’

Some see the glass half-drunk

You do not want to costar opposite Liam Neeson in The Red.
You do not want to costar opposite Liam Neeson in The Red.

It turns out that the perfect pour is a matter of perspective. A new study published in the journal Substance Use and Misuse — so, somewhat biased — shows evidence that the size of the glass, color of the beverage and whether it’s on a table or held aloft will impact how much the average pourer will fill it.

What was not taken into account was how threatening the pouree looked until they said “when.” We’re just sayin’: we don’t know who you are or what you want, but Liam Neeson will tell you when you’ve poured enough of the bottle into his drink.

You don’t hear about the Steelers doing something like that

Hey, universities in Wisconsin: do you need a new bus for your football team because your last one blew up? First, we should REALLY talk about your bus blowing up, because frankly, that’s super duper weird. Second, just contact the Green Bay Packers about it. They’ll take care of the situation alllllll by themselves.

Mind you, they won’t replace the bus itself. Instead, they’ll give you some goodwill game clothing. While it’s labeled as gently used, you probably would rather have gently used game clothing from the Giants (a lack of points can mean pretty primo stuff). As for the bus, you’re on your own. The city of Green Bay can’t afford to replace that stuff unless it’s made entirely out of cheese.

Finally, a beer worthy of the Apollo missions

It’s inevitable, wherever man goes, beer is destined to follow. For example, the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in what is now Massachusetts because the Mayflower was running low on beer. So, as humanity expands its presence in space, we take our brew with us.

We’ve told you about beer brewed with grains that went into space, and that beer is being designed for enjoyment by space tourists. Now, there’s a beer brewed with moon dust. Dogfish Head worked with the company that makes NASA’s space suits to procure some moon dust, which they have made a small batch ale.

Celeste-jewel-ale is available for a limited time at the Dogfish Head brewpub in Delaware. Can we get someone to send a case up to the International Space Station?

Siri, why are there planes on this road?

If you see someone using Apple’s map app on their iPhone, slap them, and slap them hard. And if you are dumb enough to be using that app for your own navigation purposes, keep going, you’re going to die soon anyway.

In Alaska, if you’re trying to get to the airport in Fairbanks, the Apple map app tells you to turn on to one of the taxiways in order to get to the terminal. Over the past three weeks, people have been taking the taxiway, and crossing over runways to get to the side of the terminal where passengers board the planes.

Apparently they’re not big on fences in Fairbanks.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Parker’

Fans of the popular crime thrillers written by the late Donald E. Westlake under the pseudonym Richard Stark know that the fictional character called Parker is a professional thief with excellent work habits. He’s precise and efficient. He also has a strict moral code: He’s a cool killer, for instance, but he doesn’t steal from the poor. There’s your ethics for you. On the assumption, however, that not everyone who goes to see Jason Statham in Parker is a reader of Stark, the protagonist in this grinding, business-like thing is made to say things more or less like “I’m a cool killer, but I don’t steal from the poor.” Usually, he states his case before beating a guy senseless, or knifing him, or (a Parker favorite) shooting him. True to his code, when he’s feeling generous, he only shoots to wound.

It’s a good thing that he’s such a unique character like that. Otherwise he’d be utterly generic. In an otherwise utterly generic movie.

Oh, wait. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Parker’

15% of you aren’t reading this news story

Unfortunately, it would seem that we aren’t hitting are total demographic. That’s right, we’re talking to you slackers that aren’t reading this news story. Not out of complete apathy, but probably because of that.

15 percent of the United States willingly shuns the Internet. The INTERNET. This is unbelievable! We’re only hitting 85 percent of our total demographic, and kids, that’s not good. We need more hits. Clean that number, people.

Oh, and for those wondering, our demographic is this: Age 34 to 15, Caucasiatic Greco-Hungeromanian-ic, Heshe.

Pigs run wild in Atlanta

Atlanta might be thought of as a nice place to live these days. Aside from the odd chance of bumping into a real housewife, it’s a generally fun city. But now it might get turned into a war zone. (Again.)

A suburb of Atlanta is being overrun with wild pigs, so much so that the children are afraid to play outside. The really sad thing here is that feral pigs are apparently a problem in the more rural parts of Georgia, so much so that there are no restrictions on pig hunting season.

It might be time to go huny some bacon — and save children, too.

Take it from Snee: The Internet User (in ages)

A recent study shows that only 15 percent of the U.S. population doesn’t use the Internet. (More on that tomorrow from Chugs. Because I can see the future. … No, she never will.)

The majority have no high school diploma — so they either don’t read so good, making our site useless — or live in rural areas and make less than $30,000 a year — and for that money, the sheep aren’t going to do that themselves. (… But, she will.)

But, the starkest division is by age. 44 percent of people over 65, that magic age where you don’t matter to marketers or pollsters anymore, say they have no interest in ever going online.

Ask your doctor if the Internet is right for you.
Ask your doctor if the Internet is right for you.

And why not? Because, while those people may have a wealth of experiences in, say, crocheting or killing commies, none of it has prepared them for using the Internet. In fact, most of the people really making the Internet are really, really young and didn’t even enter adulthood without choking a  person from a different economic model to death. (He won’t … anymore.)

No matter what background you come from, everyone starts over online. And nobody wants to be a baby when you’re 65. Here’s how it works.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Internet User (in ages)

‘Oh. Bab-ee. I. Am. Burn. Ing. Up.’

.@DickieV I'm on fire! #NBAJam #rememberthat?
.@DickieV I’m on fire! #NBAJam #rememberthat?

The International Business Times asks the question that you and Nest’s copy writer want the answer to: can smoke detectors be made sexy?

Of course, that’s just a premise for writing about chic-gadget lab Nest and their plans to do what they did to thermostats and do it to smoke detectors. And if you haven’t seen a Nest thermostat, let us tell you: these aren’t the ones your dad used to screw in the garage.

So, what does this makeover entail? Nobody knows. There’s been a press release that this is what Nest plans to do next, but without any details. Will there be a iPod-like design? Maybe. Can you get updates from it to your phone? Probably. Will it smoke cigarettes to set itself off every so often, letting you feel like it was worth spending more than $15 on a designer smoke alarm? It’d better.

We just hope it live-tweets when it goes off, but in a funny way so that it wins you new followers. That should cover the costs of rebuilding and buying a new home.