Our animal foes attack traffic lights, U.S. nuclear missiles

We may have taken a week off, but that doesn’t mean the War on Animals did. In fact, our foes seemed to have stepped up their efforts because they thought we weren’t watching. They were wrong.

We’ll begin in Japan, where motorists in two cities in the Nagano prefecture got tangled up because many of the traffic lights went dark. The reason was excessive amounts of bird poop. Not on the traffic lights themselves, but on an electric substation that controlled the power flowing to them. The local power company said that there was so much bird crap at the substation that it dripped into the equipment and caused a short. The birds are still at large.

Now onto Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana, which is where we keep many of our nuclear missiles, armed and at the ready to send some unlucky enemy back into some sort of weird, irradiated Stone Age. But a species of ground squirrel is leading an assault on our biggest weapons. The Richardson’s ground squirrel has been burrowing under the fences of the base all summer long, and it’s been setting off motion sensors, forcing military personnel to drive out and see if there is a security threat. It distracts our boys from doing their jobs, and keeps them from being at the ready.

Luckily, the Air Force has caught a few of these animal-terrorists, and is hard at work designing a squirrel-proof fence to defeat their attempted intrusions.