Day: September 13, 2013

At this point, I’m almost certain that Colorado is the worst place to live. I know it’s big and diverse and beautiful and everything, but nature doesn’t want you there, and it’s not shy about it. Let’s just take a few examples from this year alone. First off, having snow storms in May is reason enough to move. Then you’ve got the wildfires that we heard about all summer long. Now, those areas are getting pounded by rain, and because there aren’t any trees, the runoff is causing flooding. That is clearly the wrath of an angry God. If you were busy serving on the same jury as Tom Hanks this week, odds are you missed it.

The drums of war skip a beat
This week, the Obama administration continued to make its case for military action in Syria, but said it was open to diplomatic solutions. When the Democrats want war and the Republicans don’t, and Russia seems like the most reasonable guy at the table, something’s wrong. On top of this, Ed Asner said celebrities aren’t expressing their anti-war views because they don’t want to seem “anti-black.” So that’s what it takes to shut them up.

Ice cubes count as water
First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled her newest campaign: getting kids to drink more water. While it’s probably aimed at just getting them not to drink as much soda, the “Drink Up” campaign also kind of sounds like the first lady wants to turn the nation’s youth into alcoholics as early as possible. Then again, if they’re hung over, kids are far more likely to drink lots of water.

Orangutans call ahead
According to a new study, male orangutans will often make loud calls at night in the direction they plan to travel the next morning. Scientists say it’s evidence that primates can plan far ahead, and let others know about their plans. It’s also evidence that male orangutans just want to get out for a little while and blow off some steam, but if they don’t check in, their wives are all, “Where have you been? You smell like that whore a couple trees down!” So I sez to her–ah never mind. Pour me another drink, Mac!

It’s been a while since we’ve made a Lindsay Lohan joke. And it’s going to remain that way, as this is not a Lindsay Lohan story. No, it’s much better. Dina Lohan, the responsible party for the aforementioned Lindsay, was busted for a DUI. Fair warning, the mug shot is priceless.

The porn industry is facing its worst health and P.R. nightmare since being porn: four actors have tested positive for HIV.

What doesn’t help is that this comes after it essentially left Los Angeles to escape the city’s workplace condom requirement. (It’s only if you work on a porn set, so you can put that pack of Trojans away, Port of Los Angeles dockworkers.)

Fortunately, the industry has somehow performed tests that show that the actors did not catch HIV on set, but did so off the clock. If that doesn’t sound like something that a test can confirm, don’t worry: those top minds are going to apply that same rigor to teaching porn actors how to practice safe sex in their private lives.

And, when it comes to sex, there’s no better teacher than porn. It’s how we learned that babies come from blasting women in the face, the fourth date is anal and women really, really like pizza.

So, health crisis averted! Return to your masturbatoriums!

NASA recently sent their unmanned rocket, LADEE, into the air and toward the moon.

Unmanned is not the same as sans-passengers.

If it involves Japan, the news has to be pretty weird. We’ve seen this recently. But it’s looking increasingly like the weirdness is spreading. After all, there’s a Hello Kitty plane making flights throughout Asia.

And what do you drink on a Hello Kitty plane when you need to get a good buzz going? Hello Kitty beer, of course. If that gets you excited, just wait until you hear the flavors. Lemon-lime, banana, passion fruit and more! Sounds like a 12-year-old’s dream.

If for some reason you’re still on board with this, we’ve got bad news for you: the alcohol content is about half of the more popular beers here in the U.S. Weighing in at 2.8% alcohol by volume at its very best, you might as well just order an O’Doul’s and add a splash of fruit juice to it.