At this point, I’m almost certain that Colorado is the worst place to live. I know it’s big and diverse and beautiful and everything, but nature doesn’t want you there, and it’s not shy about it. Let’s just take a few examples from this year alone. First off, having snow storms in May is reason enough to move. Then you’ve got the wildfires that we heard about all summer long. Now, those areas are getting pounded by rain, and because there aren’t any trees, the runoff is causing flooding. That is clearly the wrath of an angry God. If you were busy serving on the same jury as Tom Hanks this week, odds are you missed it.
The drums of war skip a beat
This week, the Obama administration continued to make its case for military action in Syria, but said it was open to diplomatic solutions. When the Democrats want war and the Republicans don’t, and Russia seems like the most reasonable guy at the table, something’s wrong. On top of this, Ed Asner said celebrities aren’t expressing their anti-war views because they don’t want to seem “anti-black.” So that’s what it takes to shut them up.
Ice cubes count as water
First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled her newest campaign: getting kids to drink more water. While it’s probably aimed at just getting them not to drink as much soda, the “Drink Up” campaign also kind of sounds like the first lady wants to turn the nation’s youth into alcoholics as early as possible. Then again, if they’re hung over, kids are far more likely to drink lots of water.
Orangutans call ahead
According to a new study, male orangutans will often make loud calls at night in the direction they plan to travel the next morning. Scientists say it’s evidence that primates can plan far ahead, and let others know about their plans. It’s also evidence that male orangutans just want to get out for a little while and blow off some steam, but if they don’t check in, their wives are all, “Where have you been? You smell like that whore a couple trees down!” So I sez to her–ah never mind. Pour me another drink, Mac!