Day: September 25, 2013

A recent study shows that only 15 percent of the U.S. population doesn’t use the Internet. (More on that tomorrow from Chugs. Because I can see the future. … No, she never will.)

The majority have no high school diploma — so they either don’t read so good, making our site useless — or live in rural areas and make less than $30,000 a year — and for that money, the sheep aren’t going to do that themselves. (… But, she will.)

But, the starkest division is by age. 44 percent of people over 65, that magic age where you don’t matter to marketers or pollsters anymore, say they have no interest in ever going online.

And why not? Because, while those people may have a wealth of experiences in, say, crocheting or killing commies, none of it has prepared them for using the Internet. In fact, most of the people really making the Internet are really, really young and didn’t even enter adulthood without choking a  person from a different economic model to death. (He won’t … anymore.)

No matter what background you come from, everyone starts over online. And nobody wants to be a baby when you’re 65. Here’s how it works.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Internet User (in ages)

The International Business Times asks the question that you and Nest’s copy writer want the answer to: can smoke detectors be made sexy?

Of course, that’s just a premise for writing about chic-gadget lab Nest and their plans to do what they did to thermostats and do it to smoke detectors. And if you haven’t seen a Nest thermostat, let us tell you: these aren’t the ones your dad used to screw in the garage.

So, what does this makeover entail? Nobody knows. There’s been a press release that this is what Nest plans to do next, but without any details. Will there be a iPod-like design? Maybe. Can you get updates from it to your phone? Probably. Will it smoke cigarettes to set itself off every so often, letting you feel like it was worth spending more than $15 on a designer smoke alarm? It’d better.

We just hope it live-tweets when it goes off, but in a funny way so that it wins you new followers. That should cover the costs of rebuilding and buying a new home.

When you play sports for a college team, even if it’s not a sport that’s super professional, it’s in your best interest not to rock the boat, legally-wise. Don’t be a douchebag in public. Even if you’re not a scholarship athlete, chances are that doing so could get you kicked off the team and then old Professor MacTiersmith may not be quite so kind to you as he was before. But how can a youth not be a douchebag in public?

• Don’t hit a woman.
• Don’t bark at a police dog.
• Don’t drop acid.
• Don’t eat an entire tray of pot brownies, even if Phish is in town.
• Again, don’t drop acid.
• Don’t commit a litany of crimes just to see what it’s like to play Grand Theft Auto.

If there are any new dads out there reading this, drop whatever you are doing and get your baby the hell away from its mother.

Done? Now we’ll explain. The mother is a baby eater. But don’t judge her too harshly, it turns out that all mothers want to eat their kids in the first few weeks. According to science, it’s because something in how the babies smell makes the brains of women who have recently given birth crave things like food or other things associated with the reward center.

But don’t worry, after a few weeks your lady will stop being a cannibal.