Month: October 2013

“Why come up with your own original idea when you can remake something?”

Numerous, voluminous times, that’s been asked by movie fans all over the world whenever they look at the newswire and other film news aggregators. It’s starting to be a near daily event: which movie’s gonna get remade this year?

From a business aspect, I can understand why movies are remade: you’ve already got a source material, all that’s needed is a cheap director to put his “artistic vision” on the project, throw out a few sheckles for the budget, do minor bits of marketing as there’s already a built in audience/fan base and you’re good to go. If it’s a good movie, you can say that it’s a re-imagining. Did the movie tank or is it within 10 years of the movie being out? Call it a reboot and you’re good.

Except, then that means the audience has to suffer. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Recession-Proof Remakes

The FAA announced that they’re no longer the reason why you’re not allowed to use electronics on aircraft during takeoffs and landings. But, while the FAA acknowledges that, no, your Kindle isn’t a terrorist, they’re leaving the final decision to the airlines.

‘It will take some time for each airline to certify their fleet is safe,’ said [FAA administrator Michael] Huerta, ‘but we expect implementation to be soon.’

So, let’s not start burning issues of Hemispheres and SkyMall just yet.

Clowns. They’re freaky and just the vaguest bit creepy and John Wayne Gacy. There’s even been creepy clown events already in the year, when a clown began standing outside for no apparent reason, skeeving out our friends across the pond. That said, the clown never attacked anyone.

If only Taco Bell could be so lucky.

A man in a clown costume is alleged to have gotten into an argument with a man. In a Taco Bell drive-thru. And then hitting the man. In the Taco Bell parking lot. This all took place this past weekend in Battle Ground, Washington. In a Taco Bell.

Clowns are scary for people. Taco Bell is scary for your butthole. Is it any surprise that pairing the two will end in pain for someone?

If your child is a fatty-fatty fat pants, you may be getting a lecturing letter this evening.

A woman in Fargo, N.D. told the local news that she’s planning to give tubby trick-or-treaters a note for their parents, expressing concern for their nutritional health. Presumably, this will come along with the candy. Considering that nearly all the adults in the state are overweight, this ought to go well.

You just know that other people across the U.S. will do this. It’s probably the people who give out apples or raisins.

If you were to conduct a poll amongst the individuals behind this website, you’d probably find that I have the weakest stomach. They literally don’t call me Cast Iron Chug for a reason. I enjoy a little bit of pepper to taste on my food and that’s about it. That said, sriracha is delicious. Yes, it will destroy your taste buds (and parts of your tongue), but at least they’ll die an honorable death.

Unfortunately, sriracha seems to only be good when it comes to your tongue. When it comes to your throat, your mucous membranes and your eyes, the sauce is not so great. Granted, that was a given, as adding chili sauce to your body hurts.

Apparently, though, chili sauce that no longer becomes chili sauce can still hurt you. And that’s when the law gets involved.

Folks, we got some shocking news for the purple-toothed. You may want to put your breakfast cab down for a moment: the world is running out of wine.

According to the lushes at Morgan Stanley Research, all the wine-producing countries in the world fell short of global demand by 300 million cases, or as they call it in France, “Wednesday.” It’s the biggest wine shortfall in your lifetime, and next year doesn’t look much better.

What’s the solution? Wean your girlfriend off of wine and get her to start drinking beer and liquor. Just make sure she doesn’t learn to like whiskey, you don’t want to have to share your stash.

Four inmates climbed into one hole in the shower of the Caddo County Jail in Anadarko, Oklahoma on Sunday. Fortunately for the other inmates, the hole was in the ceiling. Unfortunately for the guards, it was the literal hole in the claim that the Caddo County Jail is “escape-proof.”

The inmates unscrewed (no, really) a tiny door above the showers and somehow climbed through it.

They must have lubed up because, while two of them are under 162 pounds, the other two weigh 190 and 230 pounds apiece. And that’s why you don’t drop the soap.

I’m about to give you news that will come across as bad. Potentially very bad. Do not panic yet. A fire raged across the Yuengling Brewery this weekend, causing an estimated 1 million dollars in damage. I’m not alone in thinking that sounds pretty bad. Plenty of charred remains lie around. There is a large gaping hole in the plant.

Here’s the good news: according to the plant manager, it looked worse than it actually was. Despite the charring. Despite the large gaping hole.

Here’s the better news: no beer was lost. Not a single drop. Allow me to reiterate: there will be no beer shortage.

America has lost its way. We see evidence of it all the time. Some of you may remember back in 1989, when we invaded Panama to get Manuel Noriega. He dug himself in at the Vatican embassy. Since we didn’t want to go traipsing through the pope’s front yard, our boys cranked The Clash’s cover of “I Fought the Law” to get him to surrender. (They didn’t touch Van Halen’s “Panama,” because those guys are litigious.)

If you believe British newspapers, U.S. merchant ships are now blasting Britney Spears songs to deter Somali pirates as they sail along the coast of Africa. Apparently, the pirates don’t like Western music or culture very much, so hearing “Oops!… I Did It Again” and “Baby One More Time” is actually pretty effective at driving them away.

And you thought you didn’t have anything in common with Somali pirates.

Halloween is always kind of hit-or-miss for me. Either I’m into it that year, or I more or less act like it doesn’t exist. There are years when I’m thinking about my costume weeks in advanced, and then there are years where I wonder if I can just ignore the trick-or-treaters at the door and keep the candy for myself.

I have no idea what I did last year, which probably means I did nothing. So it made sense that this year would be the opposite. Fellow Guy Rick Snee and his wife, SG webmistress Julie, hosted a costume party at their place over the weekend. It got bloody, it got creepy, I drank something out of a test tube I hope was alcohol, and someone brought a bottle of absinthe. In other words, it was an all-around success.

But at what point do you reach the age where dressing up doesn’t feel right anymore? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The fine line between creepy and creepy