Day: October 29, 2013

Four inmates climbed into one hole in the shower of the Caddo County Jail in Anadarko, Oklahoma on Sunday. Fortunately for the other inmates, the hole was in the ceiling. Unfortunately for the guards, it was the literal hole in the claim that the Caddo County Jail is “escape-proof.”

The inmates unscrewed (no, really) a tiny door above the showers and somehow climbed through it.

They must have lubed up because, while two of them are under 162 pounds, the other two weigh 190 and 230 pounds apiece. And that’s why you don’t drop the soap.

I’m about to give you news that will come across as bad. Potentially very bad. Do not panic yet. A fire raged across the Yuengling Brewery this weekend, causing an estimated 1 million dollars in damage. I’m not alone in thinking that sounds pretty bad. Plenty of charred remains lie around. There is a large gaping hole in the plant.

Here’s the good news: according to the plant manager, it looked worse than it actually was. Despite the charring. Despite the large gaping hole.

Here’s the better news: no beer was lost. Not a single drop. Allow me to reiterate: there will be no beer shortage.

America has lost its way. We see evidence of it all the time. Some of you may remember back in 1989, when we invaded Panama to get Manuel Noriega. He dug himself in at the Vatican embassy. Since we didn’t want to go traipsing through the pope’s front yard, our boys cranked The Clash’s cover of “I Fought the Law” to get him to surrender. (They didn’t touch Van Halen’s “Panama,” because those guys are litigious.)

If you believe British newspapers, U.S. merchant ships are now blasting Britney Spears songs to deter Somali pirates as they sail along the coast of Africa. Apparently, the pirates don’t like Western music or culture very much, so hearing “Oops!… I Did It Again” and “Baby One More Time” is actually pretty effective at driving them away.

And you thought you didn’t have anything in common with Somali pirates.