With fall firmly in place in the Northern Hemisphere, it seems reasonable to think that the War on Animals is going to start winding down for the year. But that would assume that our animal foes are reasonable. Rather than slowing things down, they’re going into high gear, in one big push before they all go into hibernation for the winter.
I don’t need to remind you, dear reader, of the threat posed by every single animal that exists on this planet. The numerous species are working in concert to overthrow we humans as the rulers of Earth. One would think such a goal would be easily accomplished, since we are so outnumbered, but we are ever-vigilant, and animals are dumber than we give them credit for.
Do your part, and get caught up on the latest threats to civilization as we know it.
My fiancee graduated from (the) Ohio State University. I never really followed college sports before I met her, but it was engrained in me very early in our relationship that Michigan State is populated with a bunch of bad people whose morals are questionable. There are also some pretty strong opinions about the city, Ann Arbor, where the school is located. So I’m sure she’ll scoff when she learns that a 20-pound carp is running a write-in campaign for a spot on the city council.
The carp was removed from a pond in the city last year, and it has launched a social media blitz to get voters’ attention. This is but a single fish trying to disrupt our democratic system of government. Imagine if others get inspired by this carp, or worse, what if the carp is a more effective leader than anyone in Congress?
We talk about the threat posed to we humans by big and scary animals, typically predators, but we need to worry more about the ones that don’t even have a backbone, according to some researchers. We need to start worrying about the ever-increasing intelligence of octopi.
Scientists say that octopi are the easily the most intelligent of all invertebrates. They can be trained to recognize certain shapes and colors, and they some of them even show signs of observational learning. LEARNING. Researchers worry that these eight-tentacled beasts will evolve to be even more intelligent than they already are. We need to hunt these things down now before they get the chance.
For forty years now, the U.S. Air Force has been engaged in a silent war in the sky. You see, one of the biggest threats faced by our airmen today is that of birds. Despite their utter lack of firepower, birds continue to act as if they own the skies. This is a problem for people who fly the T-38 Talon training aircraft. It’s the only plane they use that can fly at faster speeds than it canopy can handle, should the supersonic jet hit a bird.
The Talon’s cockpit can survive hitting a bird at 190 mph, but it tops out at 812 mph. This means that it you hit a bird, it’s coming through the glass to be your copilot. Our boys have had enough of feeling vulnerable to these winged devils (and you just know they’re trying to hit our planes), which is why they are calling for proposals on how to fix the problem.
If you’ve got an idea, your country, nay, your species, needs your help.