Day: December 11, 2013

In another decade, the death of who may be this living generation’s greatest example of humanity might have been regarded as a solemn occasion: a time to reflect on his achievements and appraise our own life’s work in comparison.

Fortunately, Nelson Mandela was South African, so that let Americans off the hook.

Instead, we took it as an opportunity to decide who was and wasn’t grieving appropriately and, more importantly, “How is this Obama’s Teapot Dome?” (Having already used Watergate, Katrina, Iraq, and even “Mission Accomplished Moment” to describe the president’s failures, we’re now re-appropriating scandals from the Harding administration.) Oh, and to determine whether the recently ex-living embodiment of dismantling systemic racism was “just another socialist like Stalin, Hitler, and FDR.”

So, on behalf of all my fellow assho Americans, I’d like to thank Mr. Mandela for politely letting us carry on like a pack of baboons for the past several days. A lesser corpse would have rolled through to China by this afternoon after enduring these “stories,” proving just how swell of a guy Madiba was …

Continue reading Take it from Snee: For his last trick, Nelson Mandela politely let us be dicks

Folks, there are some things that are never OK to joke about, no matter what the circumstances. One of those things is domestic abuse. It’s never appropriate to laugh at that, especially at the victim. So we present to you a sensitive recounting of a recent incident.

A 56-year-old man called authorities in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, reporting that he was the victim of domestic assault. (Men can be victims, too, you sexists.) He told authorities that his girlfriend’s daughter hit him. She maliciously hit him with a pillow in his own home, in the head, he told police. The girl, whose age was not released, was charged with third degree assault and battery.

Thank you for not laughing at this man’s pain.

In an era where most newlyweds aren’t exactly carnal strangers, it’s difficult to spice things up shortly after marriage. (Doing it in white is pretty much the only novel thing about wedding nights today.) According to the Sunbury Police Department, the Barbours of Harrisburg, Penn. have allegedly found the cure for post-marriage doldrums: murdering some rando from the Internet.

The couple is accused of luring a man off of Craigslist into their car and then strangling him (see what we did there with the headline?) with a cord and stabbing him about 20 times.

The Barbours then allegedly did what every other married couple does after a DIY project: clean up the blood and go out to eat.

There are certain ways to get things for free. They include promotional deals, coupons, haggling (if you’re at an open-air market) or the gift bag line at the Emmy’s.

Sliding your sword out of its sheath is not one of those ways. Please note that I did not list it as one and as such, if you do that, especially in the name of tacos, you are a dumb ass.