Car dealership can’t believe that crazy promotion it ran actually happened, doesn’t understand how football works

If you run a promotion that’s connected the game of football, you should probably understand how it works. For example, the Seattle Seahawks have had a very stingy defense this season. The New York Giants, on the other hand, have had an utterly piss-poor offense. When a top level rush defense collides with a bottom of the barrel rush offense, you tend to bet on the defense.

What you certainly don’t do is run a promotion where 12 people can split $420,000 if the Seahawks shut out the Giants. You run that promotion the following week when the Seahawks play the Arizona Cardinals and then you hobble a cornerback for the Seahawks, Nancy Kerrigan-style.

Lun Lun a failure after all

Let’s just say that Mei Lun and Mei Huan are about to put the panda in “Panda Express.”

Step back from those ledges, childless pandas. It turns out that the Atlanta Zoo’s super-fertile panda, Lun Lun, has failed her home country and species.

While it normally takes three years for a panda’s sex to become visibly detectable, zookeepers cut to the chase with DNA testing … and probably wish they hadn’t. Not only are Lun Lun’s twins that were born this year both female, but her 3-year-old son Po is also a girl.

The zoo’s Chinese counterparts have already sent their condolences to Atlanta, along with a dumpster. The loosely translated attached note read, “You know what to do,” in Mandarin.

Don’t mess with Christmas decorations in Texas

Let it be known throughout all of Texas that if you steal Christmas decorations, you will never see the light of day again.

A 43-year-old woman in Texas is getting 70 years in jail for Christmas this year, because last year she was apparently stealing people’s decorations and then turning around and using them for a contracting business. So, there are services out there that will put up Christmas lights for you?

Apparently, she has something of a wrap sheet. Let’s hope the prisons in Texas have chimneys.