Take it from Snee: Have yourself a passive-aggressive Christmas

"Oh great. She has three holes and I have to get her a present now."
“Oh great. She has two buttholes and I have to get her a present now.”

You did it again, didn’t you? You waited until the last minute to buy your Christmas presents. Or, even worse, you found out somebody you didn’t suspect got you something, and now you have to reciprocate.

If you really wanted to, you could go out, brave the roads and stores and hope that you find something perfect. But you don’t. And that’s why you’re in this spot now.

There are a couple of ways out of this mess with far less trouble. Here’s my definitive guide to this year’s every year’s hottest passive-aggressive gifts.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Have yourself a passive-aggressive Christmas

The Bear Frank House

Black bears are famous for squatting, although they normally do it in the woods.
Black bears are famous for squatting, although they normally do it in the woods.

Every year, we face animals encroaching on our institutions merely to illustrate humanity’s foibles and follies. Almost exactly one year ago, a monkey in IKEA showed us how ridiculous we look in fluffy coats while shopping for incomplete furniture. This year, a bear has taken up residence in a vacant home, parodying our financial and real estate problems.

A real estate agent found the bear hiding in the vacant home’s crawlspace. The bear had taken refuge during New Jersey’s annual bear hunt. Searchers have yet to find the bear’s diary in the crawlspace.

Million dollar idea: the Hoo-Hoo-Hookah

More often than not, in life, whatever you do, don’t escalate things.

If you complain to your server about food, don’t raise your voice and make a giant fuss. If you’re at a strip club, don’t make things bad by touching the dancers. If you’re gonna end up getting arrested for disturbing the peace, don’t shove weed paraphernalia up a place you don’t want it to be.

People, we wouldn’t bring up a ridiculous situation if it weren’t for Ericka Marie Danna. The Oklahoma woman is being charged not with disturbing the peace, but also attempting to bring contraband into a jail (a worse charge than the former) after a pipe was found in her va-jay-jay.

Police say it smelled like weed. That might be the worst part of this story: someone smelled the pipe after they found it.

In Florida, gators are currency

In Florida, one of the biggest fronts in our War on Animals, one tactical genius may have figured out how to defeat our enemies: use them as currency.

Police charged a Miami man with illegally capturing an alligator, after they say he tried to trade one for beer at a convenience store. The gator was about four feet long and still alive, so really, that should be worth a case or two. Unfortunately, the clerk, and the authorities he called, didn’t see it that way.